Sleeping With The Enemy: A Recipe For Disaster

Don't sleep with the enemy is a phrase that can be interpreted in a few ways. In a literal sense, it could refer to maintaining healthy sleeping habits by avoiding the use of electronic devices like phones before bed, which can disrupt sleep patterns and have negative implications for overall well-being. Metaphorically, it could refer to the dynamics of intimate relationships, warning against partners who exhibit controlling, jealous, or abusive behaviours. In this context, it encourages individuals to trust their instincts and be vigilant for red flags that may indicate a potentially harmful relationship.

Recognising the signs of an abusive relationship

Jealousy and Possessiveness

Jealousy and possessiveness are often early red flags in an abusive relationship. Your partner may accuse you of flirting with others, including waiters or even your own children. They may become jealous of the time you spend with friends, family, or children, trying to isolate you and demanding your constant attention and reassurance. Abusers may also try to control your interactions with others, deciding who you can and cannot be friends with.

Controlling Behaviour

Abusers often attempt to dominate various aspects of their partner's life, including finances, career choices, and even their appearance and behaviour. They may "check up" on their victims, monitor their phone and email activity, and try to control their movements and decisions. The abuser may also handle all the finances, decide whether their partner works outside the home, and how many children they should have.

Unrealistic Expectations

Abusers often have unrealistic expectations of their partners, demanding that they meet all their needs and be "perfect". They may say things like, "If you love me, then I'm all you need," implying that their partner should sacrifice their own needs and independence. Abusers may also put down their partner's accomplishments, embarrass them, and make them feel incapable of functioning without the abuser.

Drastic Mood Swings

Abusers may experience severe mood swings, shifting from charming and romantic to angry and explosive in an instant. They may have a history of battering previous partners, justifying their actions by blaming the victims for "provoking" them. Abusers often struggle to take responsibility for their actions, frequently blaming others, especially their victims, for their problems.

Cruelty and Violence

Abusers may display cruelty towards animals or children, having unfair expectations or teasing them until they cry. They may also use force during sex, pressuring their partners to engage in sexual acts they are not comfortable with. Physical violence can include holding their partner down, restraining them, pushing, shoving, or breaking their possessions to intimidate them. Verbal abuse, such as cursing, name-calling, and belittling, is also common.

Isolation

Abusers may try to separate their victims from family and friends, putting down those close to them and preventing them from spending time with them. They may also discourage their partners from working or attending school, further isolating them and making them dependent on the abuser.

Recognising these signs and trusting your instincts are crucial steps in identifying an abusive relationship. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, seek help from a trusted organisation or hotline.

The role of technology in sleep deprivation

Technology has become an integral part of our daily lives, but its use, especially before bedtime, can have detrimental effects on our sleep patterns and overall health. This is particularly evident in children and adolescents, who are among the largest consumers of technology.

Impact on Sleep Quantity and Quality

Evening technology use has been linked to delayed bedtimes and reduced sleep quantity. Studies have shown that using a bright screen for 1.5 hours or more can increase alertness and interfere with the body's natural release of melatonin, the "sleepy hormone." This can result in difficulties falling asleep and a reduced overall sleep duration.

The impact is more pronounced when using interactive devices such as phones, tablets, and computers, as these boost alertness more than passive devices like e-readers or televisions. Repeated use of bright screens over multiple days can also delay the body clock, leading to a desire to go to bed later and sleep in longer, which can be problematic for those with fixed morning schedules.

Impact on Health and Wellbeing

The reduction in sleep quality and duration due to technology use has been associated with various health issues. Lack of sleep in adolescents has been linked to depression, lack of energy, and poor school performance. Additionally, technology use before bed has been associated with elevated body mass index (BMI) in children, which may be due to the disruption of regular bedtime routines and increased appetite and food intake.

Strategies for Improvement

To mitigate the negative impacts of technology on sleep, it is recommended to use technology in moderation during the evening and opt for passive devices over interactive ones. Dimming the screen brightness and utilizing night modes or blue light filters can also help reduce alertness. For children, parents should restrict technology use to earlier in the evening and encourage quiet activities closer to bedtime.

While the presence of a television in the bedroom does not have a clear impact on sleep problems, relying on it to fall asleep can disrupt the ability to self-soothe, leading to difficulties falling back asleep during the night. Therefore, it is generally advisable to limit electronic devices in the bedroom and update sleep hygiene advice to include these recommendations.

How to identify a controlling partner

Identifying a controlling partner can be tricky, as controlling behaviours may be subtle or crop up gradually over time. However, it's important to trust your instincts and listen to your doubts. Here are some signs to look out for:

• Isolation: A controlling partner may try to separate you from your friends and family, giving them more control over you. They may complain about how often you talk to your family or express dislike for your friends. They may also try to turn you against the people you usually rely on for support.
• Criticism: A controlling partner may constantly criticise you, even for small things. This can start small and gradually increase, making it difficult to feel accepted, loved, or valued as an equal in the relationship.
• Threats: A controlling partner may use veiled or overt threats to manipulate you. This could include threatening to leave, cutting off "privileges", or even threatening self-harm if you were to end the relationship.
• Conditional treatment: A controlling partner may make you feel that their love or attraction to you is conditional on your behaviour or appearance. For example, they may say things like, "I love you so much more when you're making those sales at work."
• Score-keeping: A controlling partner may keep a tally of every interaction within the relationship, always keeping score of who owes who what. This can be exhausting and is a way for them to maintain control and have the upper hand.
• Guilt-tripping: A controlling partner may try to manipulate your emotions to make you feel guilty. This can lead to you giving in to their demands or relinquishing power in the relationship.
• Creating debt: A controlling partner may shower you with extravagant gifts or romantic gestures early on, creating a sense of debt or obligation that can make it harder for you to leave.
• Snooping: A controlling partner may invade your privacy by snooping through your phone, email, or internet history. They may justify this by saying they've been burned before or that you shouldn't mind showing them if you have nothing to hide.
• Jealousy: A controlling partner may be overly jealous and view your innocent interactions with others as flirtatious. They may also be suspicious or threatened by the people you come into contact with.
• Disregarding your need for alone time: A controlling partner may make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time alone or make you feel like you don't love them enough. They may also deny you the alone time you need to recharge.
• Withholding trust: A controlling partner may make you feel like you need to "earn" their trust or good treatment. They may demand that you detail your whereabouts or give them access to your phone or texts.
• Assuming guilt: A controlling partner may make you feel like you've done something wrong, even before you realise what you've supposedly done. They may keep evidence of your wrongdoing and use it to punish you or control your behaviour.
• Chronic arguing: A controlling partner may be argumentative and embrace conflict. They may wear you down with constant arguing until you give in to their demands.
• Belittling your beliefs: A controlling partner may make you feel small, silly, or stupid because of your long-held beliefs, whether they are religious, political, or cultural.
• Making you feel unworthy: A controlling partner may try to make you feel like you don't "measure up" or are somehow unworthy of them. They may subtly make you feel less attractive or constantly reinforce their professional accomplishments as compared to yours.
• Uncomfortable teasing: A controlling partner may disguise criticism or emotional abuse as "teasing" or "playing with you". If you take offence, they may accuse you of overreacting or not being able to take a joke.
• Unsettling sexual interactions: A controlling partner may try to dominate or control you in the bedroom, leaving you feeling uncomfortable or unsettled after sexual interactions.
• Dismissing your point of view: A controlling partner may interrupt you, dismiss your opinions, or refuse to listen to feedback about how their behaviour makes you feel. They may dominate the conversation, leaving little room for your thoughts or feelings.
• Pressuring unhealthy behaviours: A controlling partner may pressure you towards unhealthy behaviours, such as substance abuse or undermining your fitness goals. They may constantly tempt you with cigarettes if you've quit or not respect your decision to limit your alcohol intake.
• Thwarting your goals: A controlling partner may make you doubt yourself and your abilities, causing you to lose confidence in pursuing your professional or educational goals.

The impact of poor sleep on health

Sleep is a basic human need, just like eating, drinking, and breathing. Poor sleep can have a detrimental impact on health and well-being. It can cause physical and mental health problems, injuries, loss of productivity, and even a greater likelihood of death. Poor sleep can also affect the ability to function while performing daily tasks like working or driving.

Poor sleep is linked to many chronic health problems, including heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, obesity, and depression. It is also associated with a higher chance of injury in adults, teens, and children. For example, sleepiness while driving (not related to alcohol) is responsible for serious car crash injuries and death. In older adults, poor sleep may be linked to a higher chance of falls and broken bones.

Additionally, poor sleep has been a factor in human errors leading to tragic accidents, such as nuclear reactor meltdowns, the grounding of large ships, and plane crashes.

Navigating political differences in a relationship

Political differences in a relationship can be a tricky area to navigate, and it's important to remember that every relationship is unique. Here are some guidelines on how to manage political disagreements with your partner:

Recognize the Impact of Politics on Relationships

Political beliefs are deeply personal and can influence our values, worldview, and interactions with others. When two people in a relationship have differing political views, it can lead to tension and conflict. It is essential to acknowledge the potential impact of these differences on your connection.

Foster Open and Respectful Dialogue

Effective communication is crucial when navigating political differences. Create a safe and respectful space where both partners can express their opinions and listen to each other without judgment. Avoid labeling, name-calling, or assuming negative intentions. Encourage each other to share personal experiences and perspectives, as this can foster understanding and empathy.

Focus on Common Ground

While you may disagree on specific political issues, try to identify shared values or goals. For example, you may both value fairness, equality, or social justice but disagree on the best way to achieve them. Recognizing these commonalities can help shift the focus from disagreement to shared aspirations.

Educate Yourself on Each Other's Perspectives

Take the time to understand your partner's political beliefs and the reasons behind them. Educate yourself on their perspective by asking questions, reading relevant materials, or engaging in thoughtful discussions. This approach can help you gain a deeper understanding of their viewpoint, even if you don't agree with it.

Set Boundaries and Manage Triggers

Some political topics may be particularly sensitive or triggering for one or both partners. It's essential to set clear boundaries and communicate your comfort levels. For example, you may agree to avoid discussing certain topics or set a time limit for political discussions to ensure they don't dominate your conversations.

Explore Compromises and Shared Activities

Look for areas where you can compromise or find common ground. For example, you may agree to support each other's right to express your political views, attend events together, or engage in activities that align with both your interests. This can help create a sense of unity and shared purpose.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

If political differences are causing significant distress or impacting your relationship negatively, consider seeking couples' therapy or counseling. A trained therapist can help you improve communication, manage conflicts, and strengthen your relationship. They can also provide unbiased support and guidance tailored to your specific situation.

Remember, navigating political differences in a relationship is about finding a balance between respecting each other's views and maintaining a healthy, loving connection. It's okay to disagree, but ensure that your interactions remain respectful, open-minded, and focused on mutual understanding and compromise.

Frequently asked questions