First Dates: Keep The Sheets To Yourself

The idea that women should not sleep with a man on the first date is a common piece of dating advice. However, this notion has been challenged by dating experts like Andrea Syrtash and Jeff Wilser, who argue that such rules are outdated and based on sexist and fear-based assumptions. In their book, It's Okay to Sleep with Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked, Syrtash and Wilser encourage women to trust their instincts and make choices that feel right for them, rather than blindly following prescribed rules that may not align with their values or desires. They emphasize that successful dating requires taking risks and navigating the complex and nuanced nature of love, instead of adhering to rigid guidelines. This controversial topic sparks ongoing debates about the role of gender norms and individual agency in dating scenarios.

The myth that men will lose interest and respect

The idea that men will lose interest and respect for a woman if she sleeps with him on the first date is a pervasive myth. This notion is not only sexist but also gaslighting. It is one of the many "rules" that people face when it comes to dating and relationships, and these rules can breed anxiety, insecurity, and cynicism. They can also cause people to overlook potential matches.

Dating expert Andrea Syrtash, co-author of the book "It's Okay to Sleep with Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked," encourages women to ditch these outdated and negative rules and embrace their instincts and whatever feels right. Syrtash's book debunks the myth that men will lose interest and respect, citing a survey of 1,000 18- to 35-year-old women that found over 83% believed this to be true. However, 70% of men disagreed with this statement, indicating that if they are interested in a woman, sleeping with her on the first date won't change that.

Syrtash emphasizes that love is nuanced and messy, and following rigid rules can cut people off from opportunities and true connection. She encourages daters to take risks, trust themselves, and navigate relationships in a way that feels authentic and safe. By challenging these outdated ideas, Syrtash hopes to empower people to make their own choices and think for themselves rather than blindly following prescriptions that may not align with their values or desires.

It's important to recognize that everyone has different boundaries and comfort levels when it comes to physical intimacy and dating. While some may feel comfortable being sexually intimate on the first date, others may prefer to take things slower. Ultimately, the decision to sleep with someone on the first date or not should be based on an individual's personal preferences and instincts rather than outdated societal rules.

The problem with rules

There are countless "rules" surrounding dating, and many of these are unhelpful and outdated. The "don't sleep with him on the first date" rule is one such example. This idea is not only very sexist but also gaslighting. It's based on the notion that women should be ashamed of their sexuality and that expressing their sexual desires will lead to negative consequences. This is simply not true—a survey of 1,000 18- to 35-year-old women found that over 83% believed that men would lose interest and respect if they had sex too soon. However, 70% of men disagreed, saying that if they were interested in a woman, it wouldn't matter if they slept together on the first date or not.

Instead of following rigid rules, it's better to trust yourself and your instincts. Take risks, be vulnerable, and navigate love in a way that feels right for you. Ask yourself if you're making a decision because it's what you truly want or because you feel you "'should'" do something. By challenging these outdated rules, you can make more authentic choices and increase your chances of finding a meaningful connection.

So, the next time you're faced with a long list of "dos and don'ts" for dating, remember that these rules are not set in stone. It's okay to break them and embrace what feels right for you. After all, love is about embracing the messiness and vulnerability of human connection, not following a prescriptive formula.

Why you should trust yourself

There are many reasons why you should trust yourself and your instincts when it comes to dating and intimacy. Here are some reasons why:

Firstly, traditional dating rules are often based on outdated ideas of male and female roles. These rules were established when people married young, straight out of high school, and are no longer relevant in today's world. They imply that individuals are inadequate and need to be fixed, offering a magic formula instead of encouraging self-trust and personal growth. By trusting yourself and your instincts, you can challenge these outdated norms and make decisions that feel right for you.

Secondly, following a set of prescribed rules can be restrictive and prevent you from taking risks in love. Love is a complex, nuanced, and messy process that rarely fits neatly into a formula. By trusting yourself, you can navigate the unscripted nature of dating and take calculated risks to find what works for you. This includes being open to meeting people who don't seem like the perfect match on paper but may surprise you.

Additionally, dating rules can breed anxiety, insecurity, and cynicism. They can make individuals feel pressured to act or behave in certain ways, potentially overlooking their true match in the process. By trusting yourself, you can make decisions based on your values and desires, rather than external rules that may not align with your personal beliefs.

Lastly, relationship experts agree that individuals should challenge themselves to think independently and trust their instincts. This includes asking yourself whether you are following a particular dating rule because you feel you "should" or because it is truly what you "want." By reflecting on this question, you can gain clarity on your desires and make more authentic choices.

In conclusion, trusting yourself in the dating world means challenging outdated norms, embracing risks, reducing anxiety, and making authentic choices. It empowers you to navigate the complex landscape of love with confidence and self-assurance. So, the next time you're faced with dating advice or rules, remember to filter them through the lens of self-trust and make decisions that align with your true desires.

The sexist nature of the advice

The advice that women should refrain from sleeping with a man on the first date is rooted in sexist and outdated notions of gender roles and relationships. This advice perpetuates the idea that women should conform to prescribed "rules" in dating, which are often based on fear and negative assumptions about male behaviour. By following these rules, women are led to believe that they can control a man's interest and respect for them, which is not only misleading but also disempowering.

The notion that a man will lose interest or respect for a woman if they sleep together too soon is a common myth. In reality, as dating expert Andrea Syrtash points out, men's interest in a woman is not contingent on how long they wait to have sex. A survey of 1,000 18- to 35-year-old women found that over 83% believed that men would lose interest and respect if they had sex too soon, while 70% of men disagreed with this notion. This highlights a disconnect between perceived and actual male behaviour, and it is important to recognise that these rules do not accurately reflect how relationships unfold in the real world.

The problem with this advice is that it places the responsibility for the success or failure of a relationship solely on the woman, implying that her actions or decisions in the early stages of dating will determine the outcome. This is not only unfair but also unrealistic, as relationships are complex and influenced by a multitude of factors. By following such rules, women may inadvertently cut themselves off from opportunities and miss out on genuine connections.

Furthermore, this advice reinforces outdated and patriarchal ideas about women's sexuality. It suggests that a woman's value is tied to her sexual behaviour and that she should withhold sex as a form of currency or reward in a relationship. This objectifying view of women's bodies and their sexual agency is not only demeaning but also contributes to a culture of slut-shaming and double standards. It implies that a woman's worth diminishes if she engages in sexual activity "too soon", which is a harmful and judgemental message.

The belief that waiting to have sex will somehow guarantee a more successful or committed relationship is also problematic. Every relationship is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all formula for success. By encouraging women to follow rigid rules, such as "no sex until monogamy" or "waiting a certain number of dates", we ignore the importance of individual circumstances, personal boundaries, and mutual consent. Relationships are built on trust, communication, and respect, not on arbitrary timelines or external expectations.

In conclusion, the advice "don't sleep with him on the first date" is rooted in sexist assumptions and outdated gender norms. It disempowers women by promoting fear-based rules that do not reflect the nuances of modern dating. Instead of following prescriptive guidelines, it is more beneficial to encourage individuals to trust their instincts, communicate openly, and make decisions that align with their values and desires. Navigating relationships can be complex, but it is essential to move beyond sexist stereotypes and towards a more inclusive and respectful understanding of dating and sexual intimacy.

Navigating things and being safe

Dating can be a minefield, and it's easy to get overwhelmed by the myriad "rules" that are out there. The truth is, many of these rules are not only outdated but also sexist and fear-based. They can make you anxious, breed insecurity, and make you overlook your match. So, when it comes to the question of sleeping with someone on the first date, should you or shouldn't you? Well, the answer is: it's entirely up to you.

Firstly, it's important to remember that love is messy, vulnerable, and unscripted. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and you need to navigate things in a way that feels right for you. If you feel comfortable and safe with your date and want to take things further physically, then that's your decision to make. Your instincts and desires are valid, and you shouldn't feel pressured to follow someone else's rules.

However, it's also crucial to be mindful of your safety. Taking risks in love is necessary, but it's wise to navigate these risks carefully. For example, it's probably not a good idea to sleep with your married boss, as this could lead to complicated and potentially unsafe situations. Use your judgment and assess the situation to ensure you're making decisions that feel right and safe for you.

Additionally, be aware of the potential impact on your mental health and well-being. While it's important to challenge outdated and sexist norms, you also need to consider your own personal boundaries and comfort levels. If you're not feeling ready or comfortable with the idea of sleeping with someone on the first date, that's absolutely fine. It's crucial to listen to your instincts and do what feels right for you as an individual.

In conclusion, navigating the world of dating and deciding whether or not to sleep with someone on the first date is a personal decision that should be made based on your own instincts, desires, and comfort levels. While it's important to challenge outdated rules and take risks in love, your safety and well-being should always come first. Trust yourself, and make decisions that align with your values and boundaries. Ultimately, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dating, and you get to decide what feels right for you.

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