Why Men Want More Than Sex

It's a question that has plagued women for years: what do men think after you sleep with them? The answer may be underwhelming, as most of the time, guys don't bother thinking about the night at all. Other times, they're worried about whether they satisfied their partner, or they're thinking about whether they're up to committing.

Some men will feel a sense of self-congratulation, patting themselves on the back for bedding an attractive woman. They may also worry about their performance, wondering if they took too long or finished too quickly. Men also often wonder if their partner actually enjoyed the experience and if their orgasm was real.

While some men may be thinking about their next meal, others will be concerned about whether they should leave or stay, and whether their partner wants them to stay for snuggles or leave in silence.

Self-congratulation

It's not uncommon for a guy to feel self-satisfaction after sex. He might be feeling proud of himself for having sex with an attractive woman. He might be feeling like a "stud", satisfied, and even a little full of himself. He might even be picturing himself as James Bond!

This feeling of self-congratulation can be especially strong if the guy is usually more reserved or if he feels like he has won "gold at the horizontal rodeo" in a "world full of frustrated people". In other words, if he feels like he has achieved something that not everyone can, he might feel a sense of accomplishment and pride.

This sense of self-congratulation might also be tied to a sense of masculinity or "manliness". For example, if a guy takes a long time to orgasm, he might worry that he didn't live up to expectations of male sexual performance. So, when he finishes quickly, he might feel relieved and proud of himself. He might see it as a confirmation of his sexual prowess and feel happy about it.

However, it's important to note that this sense of self-congratulation doesn't necessarily mean that the guy is objectifying the woman or seeing her as just a conquest. He might simply be happy and satisfied with the shared experience, feeling good about himself and the connection created during the encounter.

Performance anxiety

• Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT): This involves identifying negative beliefs and attitudes about sexual performance and replacing them with more positive and constructive attitudes. For example, instead of thinking, "My partner and I won't enjoy sex if I don't perform well," one could adopt the attitude, "My partner and I can enjoy being sexual together if I focus on the pleasant sensations, feelings, and experiences we are having."
• Mindful focus: Instead of evaluating and critiquing their performance during sex, individuals can try to focus their attention on the pleasurable sensations, emotions, and experiences they are having in the moment. This involves treating any worrying or self-critical thoughts as unimportant background noise.
• Sensory experiences: Engaging the senses during sexual activity can help distract from anxious thoughts. This can include things like scented candles or playing music.
• Exercise: Regular physical exercise can boost overall well-being and reduce stress levels, which may help improve stamina and reduce anxiety.
• Open communication: Talking openly with a partner about performance anxiety can help ease worries and strengthen the relationship. It allows partners to work together to find solutions and increase intimacy in other ways, such as sensual massages or mutual masturbation.
• Seek professional help: If performance anxiety persists or interferes significantly with sexual function, it may be helpful to consult a doctor or therapist. They can help identify any underlying health conditions or medications that may be contributing to the issue and provide guidance on treatment options, such as psychotherapy or medication.

It is important to remember that performance anxiety is a common issue and that everyone experiences it differently. By adopting coping strategies and seeking support when needed, individuals can improve their sexual experiences and reduce the negative impact of performance anxiety.

Commitment

When a man and a woman sleep together, the question of commitment may arise for both parties. While some men may be open to the idea of a committed relationship, others may be hesitant or unwilling to make that leap. This can lead to confusion, frustration, and even heartache for the woman involved. Understanding the male perspective on commitment after sleeping together can provide valuable insights and help manage expectations.

The Male Perspective on Commitment

Some men view sex as purely physical act, satisfying their biological urges without any emotional attachment. They may seek sexual gratification without any intention of establishing a long-term relationship. This mindset can lead to a casual approach to sexual encounters, and they may not consider the possibility of commitment immediately after sleeping with someone.

However, it is important to recognize that not all men share this perspective. Some men may view sex as an intimate and meaningful experience, and they may be open to the idea of commitment if a strong connection is formed. They may consider the sexual encounter as a starting point for exploring a potential relationship, depending on the level of attraction, compatibility, and shared interests.

Factors Influencing Commitment

Several factors can influence a man's willingness to commit after sleeping with someone:

• Previous relationships: If a man has had positive experiences with commitment in the past, he may be more open to the idea. On the other hand, if he has been hurt or had negative experiences, he may be more hesitant.
• Life stage: A man's life stage can play a role in his willingness to commit. For example, a younger man in his twenties may be more focused on casual relationships and exploring different options, while an older man in his thirties or forties may be more open to commitment if he is looking for something more stable.
• Emotional availability: Men who are emotionally available and willing to invest in a relationship may be more open to commitment. On the other hand, men who are emotionally closed off or struggling with personal issues may be less likely to seek a committed relationship.
• Intentions: A man's intentions before sleeping with someone can impact his willingness to commit afterward. If he was solely focused on physical gratification, he may be less likely to pursue a committed relationship. However, if he was seeking a deeper connection, his intentions may align with the idea of commitment.

Managing Expectations

Understanding these perspectives and factors can help women manage their expectations when it comes to commitment after sleeping with a man. Here are a few key points to consider:

• Communication: Open and honest communication is crucial. If a woman is seeking a committed relationship, she should communicate her expectations and desires clearly. This can help avoid misunderstandings and ensure that both parties are on the same page.
• Respect boundaries: It is important to respect a man's boundaries and decisions regarding commitment. Pressuring or coercing him into a commitment he is not ready for can lead to resentment and a strained relationship.
• Evaluate compatibility: Before expecting commitment, evaluate the compatibility and connection between the two of you. Commitment should be a mutual decision based on shared feelings and intentions, rather than a one-sided expectation.
• Focus on self-worth: A woman's worth is not defined by a man's willingness to commit. It is essential to maintain a sense of self-worth and not base one's value on another person's actions or decisions.

In conclusion, while the idea of commitment after sleeping together may vary among men, understanding their perspectives and factors influencing their decisions can help women navigate this complex terrain. Open communication, respect for boundaries, evaluating compatibility, and focusing on self-worth are key aspects to consider when contemplating commitment in such situations.

Self-doubt

When a guy doesn't sleep with a woman, she may experience self-doubt and question her attractiveness. This is often due to societal expectations and gender norms that position men as the pursuers and women as the gatekeepers in heterosexual relationships. Women are typically taught that their attractiveness and worth are defined by their ability to attract male attention and desire. As a result, when faced with rejection, some women may internalize it and question their self-worth.

Additionally, women are often socialized to believe that men are always sexually driven and willing to have sex, which can lead to confusion and self-doubt when they are rejected. They may wonder if there is something inherently wrong with them or if they did something wrong, especially if they have never been rejected before. This sense of self-doubt can be further exacerbated by the perception that men have a higher number of sexual partners, reinforcing the idea that men can easily find other women to sleep with.

However, it is important to remember that rejection is a normal part of dating and that everyone, regardless of gender, has the right to consent or refuse sexual activity. While it is understandable that a woman may feel surprised or confused when rejected by a man for sex, it is not justifiable to respond with anger or entitlement. Instead, it is crucial to respect an individual's boundaries and recognize that there are various reasons why someone may choose not to engage in sexual activity.

Objectification

In the context of "what guys think when you don't sleep with them", objectification can manifest in several ways:

Instrumentality

This involves treating a person as a tool for another's purposes. In this context, a man may view a woman who does not sleep with him as an instrument to fulfil his sexual desires, rather than as a person with her own agency and autonomy.

Denial of Autonomy

This entails treating a person as lacking in autonomy or self-determination. When a woman refuses to sleep with a man, he may deny her autonomy by disregarding her decision and continuing to pursue her sexually, failing to recognise her right to make choices about her own body.

Inertness

This involves treating a person as lacking in agency or activity. By not sleeping with him, a woman may be viewed by a man as passive or inert, ignoring her ability to actively make decisions and take actions that align with her desires.

Fungibility

This refers to treating a person as interchangeable with other objects. If a woman does not sleep with a man, he may view her as fungible, easily replaceable by another woman who will fulfil his sexual desires.

Violability

This entails treating a person as lacking in boundary integrity and violable. When a woman refuses to sleep with a man, he may disregard her boundaries and attempt to violate her bodily autonomy by pressuring or coercing her into sexual activity.

Ownership

This involves treating a person as though they can be owned, bought, or sold. In this context, a man may feel entitled to a woman's body and believe that he has a right to sleep with her, disregarding her consent and autonomy.

Denial of Subjectivity

This refers to treating a person as though there is no need to consider their experiences or feelings. When a woman does not sleep with a man, he may deny her subjectivity by failing to acknowledge her reasons, feelings, or experiences that led to her decision.

Reduction to Body and Appearance

This involves treating a person as identified with their body or body parts, or valuing them solely based on their physical appearance. A man may objectify a woman who does not sleep with him by focusing solely on her physical attributes and ignoring her personality, intelligence, or other non-physical qualities.

Silencing

This entails treating a person as if they are silent, lacking the capacity to speak or express their thoughts. When a woman refuses to sleep with a man, he may silence her by disregarding her reasons or attempting to prevent her from expressing her thoughts and feelings on the matter.

Frequently asked questions