My Bedroom Is A Nightmare: I Refuse To Sleep There

There are many reasons why someone may not want to sleep in their room. For example, a person may have insomnia and developed a negative association with their bed, making it difficult to fall asleep in their room. In other cases, someone may not have a room to sleep in, such as a 15-year-old who sleeps in the living room due to a lack of privacy and their own space. Additionally, when it comes to babies, there is no exact age for when they should transition to sleeping in their own room, and this decision depends on what works best for each baby and family.

A negative association with the bed

It is possible to develop a "negative association" with one's bed, which can make it difficult to fall asleep there at night. This phenomenon is known as "conditioned arousal", where the brain identifies being awake at night as a threat and enters a state of heightened alertness. This can paradoxically make it harder to fall asleep when one wants to.

For instance, a person with insomnia may hit the pillow and then be kept awake by thoughts like "What if I don't sleep?", "Why can't I sleep?", "Am I going to be able to function tomorrow?", and "Am I going to stay awake all night?". These thoughts can trigger alarm bells and keep one awake, in a vicious cycle.

The paradoxical nature of sleep means that the more one is okay with not sleeping, the better one will sleep. The pressure to fall asleep can create performance anxiety, turning sleep from something that happens naturally into a performance.

Breaking negative associations

To break negative associations with one's bed, it is important to understand what is happening. Knowing that one's brain is not "broken" can reduce panic and fear associated with the bed. Over time, this can teach the brain to let go of the alarm bells.

It is also important to distinguish between positive and negative sleep cues and gently guide oneself towards self-soothing practices. For instance, it can help to introduce positive associations early on, make them part of one's routine, and separate feeding from sleep time.

Underlying pressure and performance anxiety

The inability to sleep in one's room could be attributed to underlying pressure and performance anxiety. This phenomenon is characterised by the absence of pressure that allows one to sleep well in unusual places or during the day. The pressure to sleep during designated times can create performance anxiety, turning sleep from a natural occurrence to a forced performance. This anxiety can keep one awake and create a fear of not sleeping.

The paradoxical nature of sleep is that being okay with not sleeping can help one sleep better. When one tries to force sleep during designated times, it can lead to a cycle of insomnia and further anxiety. This anxiety can be exacerbated by seeking sleep during odd times and places, accommodating one's fear of not sleeping, and making insomnia more powerful.

To break this cycle, it is important to understand the underlying causes of insomnia, such as hyperarousal, which is a heightened state of alertness that the brain has learned over time. By recognising that insomnia is a normal part of the brain's survival system, one can reduce the fear and panic associated with it. This awareness can help dial down the fear and teach the brain to let go of the alarm bells that trigger insomnia.

Additionally, it is crucial to distinguish between healthy sleep hygiene and an unhealthy fear program that the brain is running. By responding from a place of knowledge rather than fear, one can reduce the worry and anxiety associated with insomnia. Over time, this can help the brain release the conditioned response of hyperarousal and improve sleep quality.

In summary, underlying pressure and performance anxiety can contribute to the inability to sleep in one's room. By understanding the causes of insomnia and addressing the associated fear and anxiety, one can improve sleep habits and reduce the power that insomnia holds over their life.

Fear of not sleeping

People with somniphobia may exhibit certain behaviours and symptoms. They may avoid going to bed for as long as possible, feel irritable or experience mood swings, and leave lights or the television on when trying to sleep. They may also struggle to concentrate during the day due to the intensity of their sleep-related worries. In severe cases, somniphobia can lead to panic attacks, causing physical symptoms such as breathing difficulties, chest pain, chills, increased heart rate, and uncontrollable shaking.

The fear of not sleeping can be a powerful disincentive to change. For example, an individual may avoid seeking treatment for insomnia due to the fear of having to restrict their sleep as part of the therapy. This fear can be scary and cause distress, especially when confronted with the prospect of not sleeping. However, it is important to note that this fear can be overcome with the right approach.

Treating somniphobia often involves similar approaches to treating other specific phobias. Exposure therapy, for instance, can help individuals gradually get used to the idea of sleep. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is another effective approach, where individuals work with a therapist to identify and challenge sleep-related fears and develop strategies to lower anxiety symptoms.

Inadequate sleep space

Physically, a sleep space should be designed to promote rest and relaxation. This means different things for different people, but there are some general guidelines that can help. Firstly, the temperature, lighting, and noise levels should be comfortable and not disruptive. A cool, dark, and quiet room is often recommended for optimal sleep. Additionally, the sleep space should be free from distractions, such as electronic devices or bright lights, which can interfere with the body's natural sleep-wake functions.

Mental barriers to a sleep space can be more complex and are often related to insomnia or sleep deprivation. This can manifest as a "negative association" with the bed or bedroom, where the brain has identified sleeping at night as a threat and enters a heightened state of alertness, making it difficult to fall asleep. This can be caused by underlying pressure or performance anxiety, where the fear of not sleeping creates a cycle of insomnia. It is also common for people with sleep deprivation to underestimate its impacts, and they may not realize how their sleep space is affecting their ability to rest.

In both cases, addressing inadequate sleep space involves understanding and mitigating the factors that interfere with sleep. This may include improving sleep hygiene, such as establishing a consistent sleep routine and creating a relaxing environment. Seeking professional help from a healthcare provider or a sleep specialist can also be beneficial in identifying and treating the underlying causes of inadequate sleep space.

Room-sharing with a baby

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that babies share their parents' bedroom for at least the first six months of their life, and ideally for the first year, to reduce the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). However, room-sharing can result in less sleep for both babies and parents, and can increase the likelihood of unsafe sleep practices, such as bed-sharing.

Design considerations for room-sharing with a baby:

• Consider the available floor space and choose furniture accordingly.
• Decide on a layout that accommodates sleeping, nursing, diapering, etc.
• Identify essential furniture items and remove non-essential items to make space for the baby's things.
• Choose a safe sleeping surface for the baby, such as a crib, bassinet, portable crib, or play yard that meets safety standards, along with a tight-fitting, firm mattress.
• Make the room comfortable for everyone by adding items or furniture pieces that enhance comfort, such as throw pillows and plants.
• Create zones within the room by placing the crib or bassinet at a distance from the bed to help with sleep training, and setting up a diapering station and nursing nook.
• Maintain a refined and sophisticated room design by choosing a soothing colour palette and adding window drapes, an area rug, and plush bedding.
• Mix and match styles by choosing different furniture styles to balance out the visual weight of the space.
• Add storage solutions for the baby's clothes, toys, and essentials to keep the room organised.
• Maximise wall space by incorporating wall storage solutions to make up for any lack of square footage.
• Visually divide the space with room dividers or curtains to create a sense of personal space for parents and the baby.
• Personalise each area with decorative pieces to make the shared space feel special.
• Add playful touches with whimsical nursery decor to give the baby's space a fun vibe.
• Use blackout curtains to keep out light and help the baby fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer.
• Bring in a white noise machine to drown out sounds and create a comfortable sleeping environment for the baby.
• Layer the lighting by adding table lamps, floor lamps, and dimmers to create a gorgeous ambiance and facilitate late-night feeding and changing.

When to move your baby to their own room:

There is no exact age for when your baby should sleep in their own room, and the decision depends on what works best for each baby and family. However, there are a few things to consider:

• Ensure that their room is set up with a safe sleeping space that meets all the safe sleep requirements.
• If your baby has outgrown their bassinet, for example, if they are sitting independently or have met the height/weight limits, it's time to transition to a crib.
• Consider whether room-sharing is causing major sleep interruptions for you and your baby.
• Weigh the risks and benefits and trust your instincts to decide what is best for your baby and your family.

Frequently asked questions