Sleeping With Your Ex: Why It's A Bad Idea

Sleeping with an ex is a topic that many people are curious about. Some people believe that it is never a good idea, as it can lead to further confusion and angst about what the encounter means and where to go from there. It can also lead to feelings of being used and manipulated. On the other hand, some people view it as a way to get closure or rekindle the relationship, and in some cases, it can be a positive experience that helps the healing process. Ultimately, the decision to sleep with an ex or not is a personal one and should be made with clear intentions and an understanding of the potential consequences.

It might not be as bad as you think

It's common to hear that sleeping with your ex is a bad idea, but this advice doesn't work for everyone. Recent studies have shown that, contrary to popular belief, sleeping with an ex doesn't hinder breakup recovery and can even be a good idea.

The benefits

It can offer a sense of security

Sex with an ex can be comforting and provide a sense of security. It can bring back a piece of your history and be a way to reconnect with someone you care for. It can also be a way to resolve past hurt and provide clarity on the relationship.

It might offer some closure

Sex with an ex can be like tying up loose ends and help you get closure. It can remind you why you are no longer together and help you move on.

The sex might be better

With an ex, there's less explaining to do about your wants and needs, which can lead to a more pleasurable experience.

Things to consider

Be honest with yourself

It's important to be honest with yourself about why you want to continue a physical relationship with your ex. If you're hoping that it will help them realise the relationship is worth saving, it's likely you'll wind up even more heartbroken.

Set some ground rules

Without some base-level communication, having sex with an ex could lead to conflict. It's important to be on the same page about what you're looking for. Ask yourself: Is this a one-time thing? Are we going to be exclusive? Will we see other partners?

Be careful with your intentions

If you're trying to get your ex back, it's important to keep your intentions to yourself. The less emphasis you put on your relationship, the more inclined your ex will be to come back to you.

Don't ignore the risks

Sleeping with an ex can have great results, but it can also be very risky. It doesn't mean you're automatically back together, and it can lead to emotional dependency and depression.

Don't ignore your feelings

If you still have strong feelings for your ex, it could be riskier for your emotional well-being to pursue a sexual relationship. It's important to give yourself time to process your feelings before getting back into bed with an ex.

It might not hinder your breakup recovery

While sleeping with your ex is often regarded as a big no-no, it might not actually hinder your breakup recovery. In fact, according to a study from Wayne State University, pursuing sex with an ex did not negatively impact participants' day-to-day healing process. The study, which analysed the experiences of 113 people post-breakup, found that those who slept with an ex didn't have distressed feelings about it.

This doesn't mean that sleeping with your ex is always a good idea. It's important to be honest with yourself about your motivations and to consider the potential risks. For example, if you're still processing your emotions or if your ex is in a new relationship, it might be best to avoid sleeping together.

• Be aware of your intentions: Ask yourself why you want to sleep with your ex. Are you hoping to rekindle the relationship? Are you seeking closure? Be honest with yourself about your motivations to help you make a decision that aligns with your true desires.
• Consider the potential risks: While sleeping with an ex might not hinder your breakup recovery, there are potential risks to be aware of. For example, if you're still processing your emotions, sleeping with your ex could complicate your long-term healing. Additionally, if your ex is in a new relationship, it could create confusion and hurt for all involved.
• Manage your expectations: If you decide to sleep with your ex, it's important to manage your expectations. Be clear with yourself and your ex about what this encounter means and what you hope to get out of it. This can help prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
• Take things slow: Instead of rushing into sleeping with your ex, consider taking things slow. Focus on rebuilding a connection and seeing if you're truly on the same page before taking things to the next level. This can help ensure that you're both on the same page and reduce the risk of hurt feelings.
• Prioritize your well-being: Ultimately, your well-being should be a top priority. If you feel that sleeping with your ex will bring you more pain than pleasure, or if you're concerned about the potential risks, it's probably best to avoid it. Focus on your own healing and growth, and trust that you will find fulfilling connections in the future.

Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to breakups and post-breakup behaviour. What works for someone else might not work for you, and that's okay! Be gentle with yourself, take things at your own pace, and make decisions that feel right for you.

You might be idealising your ex

It's easy to look back on a past relationship and only see the good parts, cherry-picking the memories that put your ex in the best light. This is especially true if your current social life is lacking excitement or if you're unhappy with your current relationship. In this case, you might be idealising your ex and remembering them at their very best.

When you're feeling this way, it's important to remind yourself of the reasons why you broke up in the first place. What were the circumstances surrounding the breakup? What issues did you have with your ex or the relationship? Now is a good time to remember the things you didn't like about both them and yourself when you were together.

It's also crucial to consider the role you'd like your ex to play in your life moving forward. If you're trying to cut ties with them permanently, sleeping with them is not a good idea. It's important to give yourself time to heal emotionally and to make sure you're not acting out of impulse or emotional dependency.

If you're unsure about whether to sleep with your ex, try writing down a list of reasons for and against it, or the positives and negatives of your past relationship. This can help you make a more informed decision and avoid acting on impulse.

You might be settling for your ex out of fear

When a relationship ends, there's usually a good reason for it. If you find yourself returning to an ex time and again, it's possible that fear is playing a role.

Fear of missing out on "the one"

After a breakup, it's common to worry: "What if they were the best person for me? What if there's no one better out there for me?" These fears, coupled with the hard work of dating, can lead people to settle for their exes.

Fear of facing parts of yourself

Starting a new relationship can bring up parts of yourself that you'd rather avoid. Returning to an ex can be a way to delay facing these difficult aspects of yourself.

Fear of the unknown

The unknown can be scary, and the comfort and security of a familiar relationship can be tempting. However, it's important to remember that your ex is likely your ex for a reason.

Insecurities and self-esteem

Breakups can lower self-esteem and create feelings of self-doubt, anger, and rumination. Settling for an ex can provide a sense of security and familiarity, but it may not be the best decision in the long run.

How to move forward

If you find yourself settling for an ex out of fear, it's important to take a step back and evaluate your motivations. Ask yourself if you truly want to be with this person, or if you're just afraid of being alone or facing your insecurities. Focus on your personal growth and becoming the best version of yourself. Work on building your confidence and addressing your fears head-on, rather than running back to the comfort of a familiar relationship.

It might not be a good idea if you're still processing your emotions

It's important to be honest with yourself about why you're interested in continuing a physical relationship with your ex. If you're still processing your emotions, it's probably best to avoid sleeping with them.

If you're not over the relationship, sex with an ex could leave you feeling more confused. You might get a temporary mood boost, but that's often based on false hopes of renewing the relationship. If you're still hurting, it's crucial to give yourself ample time to heal before getting intimate with your ex again.

If you're pursuing a sexual relationship with your ex and secretly hoping that it will make them realise the mistake they made in ending the relationship, it's likely that you'll wind up even more heartbroken when that doesn't happen.

Even if you're not looking to get back together, it's important to be on the same page about what sex means to both of you now that you're broken up. If you're pining for your ex, having sex regularly could complicate your long-term healing.

If you're trying to get your ex back, sleeping with them might not be the best strategy. It's important to keep your intentions to yourself and not reveal your true feelings too quickly. If you tell your ex how you really feel about them, the overwhelming odds are that they won't value you as much. It's crucial not to let emotions get the better of you and to make it clear that you're not emotionally dependent.

If you're still processing your emotions, it's best to avoid sleeping with your ex. It's a vulnerable time, and you might make poor decisions. Give yourself time to heal and process your feelings before getting intimate with your ex again.

Frequently asked questions