Why You Shouldn't Sleep With Him

Don't Sleep With Him Yet: A Badass Guide to Dating in 10 Empowering Steps is a book written by Beverly Hills psychologist Dr. Nancy Lee. The book provides a roadmap for women looking to navigate the confusing and often treacherous landscape of modern dating. It offers practical advice and insights on a range of topics, from turning up the chemistry with a potential partner to dealing with the pressure to sleep with someone before you're ready. The book also delves into the psychological allure of the unavailable and how to spot and avoid narcissistic and emotionally manipulative partners. With a focus on empowering women to make informed choices, the book has received praise for its relatability, honesty, and practical guidance.

How to turn up the chemistry with someone you're interested in

So, you're interested in someone and want to turn up the chemistry between you. Well, first of all, it's important to note that chemistry happens when various factors converge at the right time. For example, you're more likely to experience chemistry when you're open to it, and it won't be as easy to foster a connection if you're in a rush, angry, or already involved with someone else. With that in mind, here are some tips to help increase the chemistry with your crush:

Flirt

Flirting stimulates the brain and can help increase the chemistry between you and your crush. So, go ahead and give them a compliment, make eye contact, or touch their arm lightly when you're talking. Just remember to respect their boundaries and consent.

Build a connection

Take the time to get to know your crush and build a genuine connection. Find out what interests you share, and use humour to build connections and excitement for future interactions. The more you have in common, the more likely you are to perceive chemistry between each other.

Be emotionally responsive and in-tune

Increase your attentiveness and responsiveness when communicating with your crush. This will create a positive rapport and support the building of a shared connection. It will also increase feelings of emotional awareness and support, leading to a perception of security and care in the relationship.

Be personable

Being genuine, down-to-earth, caring, and kind can increase chemistry. Show warmth, kindness, consideration, and understanding. This type of demeanour is attractive to both men and women and can elicit interpersonal attraction.

Foster intimacy

Intimacy in romantic chemistry is a blend of reciprocal candor and personableness. When intimacy is present, people feel like they can trust their partner and talk to them about anything. It's an intimate, trusting connection you feel with nobody else.

Share similar core values

Matching each other on core attributes such as values, morals, beliefs, and life goals is essential for long-lasting chemistry. People who are mismatched on values are less likely to last in a relationship together because these attributes are usually stable and dictate how people live their lives.

Take your time

Don't rush into anything. Give yourself and your crush time to see each other in different seasons and experience different emotions. This will allow you to see the complete picture of how they show up in the relationship and how the chemistry between you is impacted.

Remember, chemistry is just one element of a healthy relationship. It's important to consider other factors such as common goals, values, and your ability to discuss sensitive topics and navigate conflict resolution.

How and where to meet good men

So, you've decided to take the plunge and start dating. Bravo! The first step is to get out there and start meeting people. But where to start?

Where to Meet Him

You can meet men anywhere, from the bar to the grocery store to the dog park. It's true that some places are more likely to attract men than others, and it's a good idea to put yourself in those environments. But don't discount the possibility of meeting someone wonderful in the most unexpected of places.

• Sports clubs – Golf clubs, wild swimming groups, and running clubs are all great places to meet men.
• Cultural events – Try last-minute theatre tickets, film clubs, art galleries, and historic sites.
• Social events – Weddings, parties, and get-togethers with friends are all excellent opportunities to meet someone new.
• Everyday places – The coffee shop, hardware store, airport, grocery store, and even the library are all places where you might find love.
• Volunteering – Supporting a cause that's close to your heart is a great way to meet someone who shares your values.
• Hobbies – Take a class, join a club, or try a new activity. You'll meet people with similar interests, and you'll already have something in common!

How to Meet Him

Once you've found yourself in a place where there are men, what's next? It's time to strike up a conversation and make a connection. Here are some tips:

• Make eye contact and smile – This is an invitation for him to come over and say hello.
• Be approachable – Open up your posture a little and welcome a conversation.
• Be friendly – Get into the habit of talking to people, even if you're not interested in a relationship with them. It's great practice, and it will make you feel more comfortable initiating conversations.
• Be bold – If you see someone you like, go up and introduce yourself. Compliment him or ask him a question to get the conversation started.
• Be patient – Sometimes a "slow burn" approach is best. You might become friends first and then realise there's something more there.

Remember, it's all about putting yourself out there, being open to new experiences, and having fun! You never know who you might meet.

Why you and your male BFF may be predisposed to fall in love

Falling in love with a friend is a common experience, and it can be tricky to navigate. Here are some reasons why you and your male BFF may be predisposed to fall in love:

Proximity and Familiarity

Psychologists have confirmed the "proximity principle," which states that the mere effect of being around each other often can be a powerful driver of attraction. When you spend a lot of time with someone, you develop a sense of familiarity and comfort, which can lead to romantic feelings. This is especially true if you already have a strong emotional connection and trust each other.

Physical and Sexual Attraction

Physical and sexual attraction are crucial components of a romantic relationship. If you find yourself attracted to your male BFF and desire physical closeness with him, it could be a sign that you are predisposed to fall in love with him.

Intense Moments and Intimacy

When you spend considerable time together, intense moments of intimacy can occur. You might find yourself caught up in each other's eyes or feeling the urge to get closer. These moments can be indicators of underlying romantic feelings.

Special Treatment

If your male BFF treats you differently from his other friends, it could be a sign that he views you as more than just a friend. He might go out of his way to help you, remember small details about you, or always be available to support you.

Jealousy and Criticism

If your male BFF becomes jealous when you talk about other romantic interests, it could be because he wants you for himself. He might also be critical of your love life, telling you that your partner is not good enough for you. This could be his way of expressing his own romantic interest in you.

Mutual Interest

Sometimes, falling in love with a friend can be mutual. If you find yourself constantly thinking about your male BFF, making yourself available to him, and wanting to spend your free time with him, it could be a sign that he feels the same way.

While falling in love with your male BFF can be exciting, it's important to carefully consider the potential consequences and approach the situation with honesty and respect for your friend's feelings.

How to deal with the pressure to sleep with a guy you are dating before you're ready

Dealing with the pressure to sleep with someone before you're ready can be difficult, but it's important to remember that you are in control of your own body and boundaries. Here are some tips on how to deal with this pressure:

Know Your Boundaries and Communicate Them

It's important to know what you are and aren't comfortable with before getting into a situation where you might feel pressured. Take time to reflect on your boundaries and what you want from a relationship. Once you know your boundaries, communicate them clearly to your partner. Be upfront and honest about your expectations. For example, you could say, "I don't sleep with someone unless they're my boyfriend/fiancé/husband." This sets clear expectations and helps to avoid any confusion or mixed signals.

Understand the Dynamics of Attraction

According to Dr. Nancy Lee, author of "Don't Sleep with Him Yet: A Badass Guide to Dating in 10 Empowering Steps," waiting to sleep together can actually enhance attraction and eroticism in a relationship. When there is a powerful attraction between partners, the brain releases a chemical called phenethylamine (PEA), which creates a temporary state of euphoria. By waiting, you allow this chemistry to build and intensify, creating a stronger bond.

Focus on Building Emotional Intimacy

Instead of solely focusing on physical intimacy, work on building emotional intimacy with your partner. Take the time to get to know each other on a deeper level, share your thoughts and feelings, and create meaningful experiences together. Emotional intimacy can lead to a stronger connection and a more fulfilling relationship. As Dr. Nancy Lee suggests, it's about awakening your "inner badass": standing your ground while being true to yourself and what you want.

Recognize the Difference Between Physical Attraction and Commitment

It's important to understand that physical attraction and commitment are two separate things. Just because there is physical chemistry, it doesn't guarantee a relationship or that the person will "see your worth." As difficult as it may be, try to separate your physical desires from your emotional needs. Assess the relationship beyond the physical and consider whether there is a deeper connection and compatibility.

Don't Give in to Pressure or Fear of Losing Someone

It's normal to feel worried that the other person might lose interest or respect if you don't sleep with them. However, it's crucial to remember that true commitment and interest go beyond physical intimacy. If someone is pressuring you or only interested in a physical relationship, they may not be the right partner for you. Respect yourself and your boundaries, and don't feel pressured to do something you're not ready for.

Remember, it's about finding a partner who values and respects you and your boundaries. By taking the time to build a strong foundation of trust, emotional intimacy, and mutual respect, you increase the chances of a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

How to awaken your inner badass

So, you want to awaken your inner badass? It's time to leave the house and keep pushing forward, but in a new way. It's time to create a movement, rather than be a part of a pre-existing one. Here are some tips to help you get started:

Drop the BS and Motivate Yourself

Call out the BS, even when it's coming from yourself. If you're being lazy, call it what it is and motivate yourself to move. Badass women are known for their ability to call out BS when they see it, and that includes being honest with yourself.

Take Responsibility for Yourself

You should be the one taking care of yourself. That means paying your bills, treating yourself, and keeping a smooth flow of progress. As a real badass, you know that taking care of yourself is your number one responsibility. So, show up for yourself and get your checks and balances in order. Where do you want to be in five months? Sit and plan it out, then take it a year at a time.

Make the "Right" Time

You need time to yourself to recharge and heal. That means doing what's best for your mind, body, spirit, and heart. This isn't about clubbing, drinking, or junk food. It's about figuring out what you need and taking the time to do it.

Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body

It's easy to get stuck in "thinking mode", but moving your body can help you channel your inner badass. Exercise releases endorphins, which are the body's natural painkillers and can put you in a positive state of mind. So, instead of overthinking, try going for a bike ride, attending a yoga class, or hitting the gym. You'll come back with a fresh, new outlook and renewed determination to tackle whatever is in front of you.

Make a List of All You've Overcome

Take some time to reflect on everything you've overcome and how you did it. This will help reinforce the fact that you are resilient and that badassery is imbued within your nature. Keep moving forward, visualizing an empowered version of yourself, and become it.

Remember, it's normal to get tired or unmotivated during the journey of life. It's okay to fall and it's okay to stay put for a little bit to recover. But now it's time to come out of hiding and awaken your inner badass.

Frequently asked questions