Sleeping Alone: My Personal Space, My Rules

Sharing a bed with a partner can be a real struggle, even if you love and are compatible with them. It can take time for your body to adjust to sharing a bed, as your brain initially perceives the presence of another person as a threat. This can cause stress, which negatively impacts sleep. Other factors that can disrupt sleep include different body temperatures, sleep difficulties, mismatched circadian rhythms, noises, and mattress motion transfer. To improve sleep when sharing a bed, it's important to make compromises on factors such as room temperature, bedtimes, and electronic use.

Your partner's body temperature is too high

Sleeping next to someone can be a real struggle, even if you love your partner. One of the main reasons for this is body temperature.

The average adult produces between 75 and 90 watts of heat overnight, so if your partner's body temperature is higher than yours, it can cause a disruption to your sleep. Clinical psychologist and sleep doctor Michael Breus, Ph.D., explains that "in general, we know that a cooler environment will be better for falling and staying asleep. Having a person whose body temperature is 98.6 degrees next to you, or worse, touching you, will cause a potential disruption."

To make matters worse, our body temperature naturally drops before sleep, so if your partner's body temperature is higher, it can make it difficult for your body to cool down and prepare for sleep.

If you're someone who prefers to sleep cool, it's important to communicate this to your partner and find ways to manage the temperature in the bedroom. Here are some tips to help you cool down and get a better night's sleep:

• Choose breathable bedding and sleepwear: Opt for lightweight, breathable, and moisture-wicking materials such as cotton, linen, or wool. Avoid synthetic materials like polyester, which tend to trap heat.
• Turn down the thermostat: Keep your bedroom cool, ideally around 65 to 68 degrees Fahrenheit. Experiment with the temperature to find what works best for both you and your partner.
• Use a fan: A fan can help cool down the bedroom and provide a gentle breeze while you sleep.
• Take a warm bath before bed: This may seem counterintuitive, but a warm bath can help cool you down faster as the moisture on your skin evaporates.
• Avoid heat-inducing activities before bed: Intense exercise, hot showers, and carbohydrate-rich meals before bed can increase your body temperature and make it harder to fall asleep. Try to schedule these activities earlier in the day or at least a few hours before bedtime.
• Stay hydrated: Drinking plenty of water throughout the day can help your body produce sweat, which cools you down.
• Consider separate bedding: If you consistently feel overheated when sharing a bed, consider sleeping in a separate bed or using separate bedding to reduce exposure to your partner's body heat.

Remember, it's important to communicate your preferences and work together to find a solution that works for both of you. A good night's sleep is crucial for your health and well-being, so don't be afraid to make adjustments to your sleep environment.

They have different sleep patterns

Sharing a bed with a partner can be a real challenge, even if you love and are compatible with them. It can take time for a person's body to adjust to sharing a bed, as our brains initially perceive the presence of another person while sleeping as a threat.

If you and your partner have different sleep patterns, it can be difficult to go to bed at different times without disturbing the other person. Getting into bed might disturb them as you move around to get settled, and making noise or turning on lights can also be disruptive.

• Make compromises on room temperature, bedtimes, and electronic use.
• Try to go to bed at the same time.
• If you can't go to bed at the same time, try to be as quiet as possible when getting into bed after your partner has fallen asleep.
• Use earplugs or an eye mask to block out noise and light.
• Get a bigger bed to create more space and reduce disturbances.
• Use separate bed coverings to reduce disturbances from blanket-stealing or kicking.
• Try a fan that blows on one person but not the other, or use headphones for white noise.
• Be open to changing your preferences and be willing to adapt and compromise.

Remember that it's normal to have difficulty sharing a bed, and it may take some time for both of you to adjust and find a routine that works for both of you.

You have different bedtimes

Sharing a bed with a partner can be a challenge, even if you love them. It can be a huge deviation from what you are accustomed to, and your body naturally wants to fight it. If you and your partner have different bedtimes, this can be especially disruptive. Here are some ways to manage this issue:

Stagger bedtimes

If you and your partner have different bedtimes, you can try staggering your bedtimes so that one person has a chance to fall asleep first. This can help reduce the disruption caused by one partner getting into bed later and disturbing the other's sleep.

Create a bedtime routine

If you and your partner have different bedtimes, try to coordinate similar bedtime routines so you are both going to sleep and waking up around the same times. This can help you both get into a rhythm and reduce the impact of one partner's sleep schedule on the other.

Make personal adjustments

You can make personal adjustments to your sleeping environment that don't affect your partner too much. For example, you can try earplugs or an eye mask, or have different bed coverings or a fan that only hits one person.

Get a bigger bed

If one partner is a bed hogger or a restless sleeper, getting a bigger bed can give you both more space and improve your sleep quality.

Be empathetic and compassionate

Chances are, if one partner is not sleeping well due to different bedtimes, the other partner might not be either. It's important to approach the issue with empathy and compassion, and work together to find solutions that meet both your needs.

Speak up and be proactive

If you're lying awake at night while your partner sleeps, chances are they are unaware that they are keeping you awake. Have an honest conversation about what you need to get a good night's sleep, and work together to find solutions.

Consider separate rooms

If all else fails, sleeping in separate rooms is an option. It may be confronting for some couples, but it is more common than you think and can improve the quality of sleep and life for both partners. It doesn't have to mean the end of intimacy, as you can still have closeness and intimacy while sleeping apart.

You're anxious about how you look or sound

If you're anxious about how you look or sound when sleeping next to someone, it's important to remember that this anxiety could be stemming from the novelty of the experience. Your brain might interpret the presence of another person as a threat of sorts, keeping you on high alert and making it difficult to relax and fall asleep. This is a common issue, and you're not alone in feeling this way.

• Acceptance and communication: Remind yourself that certain behaviours, such as swallowing, are normal and not something to be ashamed of. If you feel comfortable doing so, communicate your concerns to your partner. They might reassure you that they don't find these behaviours bothersome, which could help reduce your anxiety over time.
• Create a comfortable environment: Make sure the bedroom is quiet, softly lit, and maintained at a cooler temperature. These conditions can promote better sleep and reduce distractions that may heighten your anxiety.
• Establish a bedtime routine: Develop a predictable nighttime routine to help relax your body and mind. This could include reading, journaling, practising mindfulness, or listening to a podcast. Starting this routine 30 to 60 minutes before bed can signal to your body that it's time to wind down and prepare for sleep.
• Try a meditation or sleep app: While these apps won't cure your anxiety, they can help calm your mind and promote self-awareness, making it easier to fall asleep.
• Use a body pillow: Sleeping with a body pillow can provide the feeling of someone else in bed, allowing you to snuggle up against something solid and comfortable. This can be especially helpful if you're anxious about disturbing your partner with your movements.
• Consider co-sleeping with a pet: If you have a cat or dog, try cuddling with them in bed. The physical warmth and feelings of safety and security that a pet can provide may help you feel more relaxed and comfortable.
• Address the root cause: Identify the root cause of your anxiety and consider seeking professional help if needed. A board-certified sleep specialist, cognitive behavioural therapist, or another mental health professional can provide additional support and strategies to manage your anxiety.

You're in a new environment

If you're in a new environment, such as sleeping at your partner's place, the newness of the environment could be causing you stress and keeping you awake.

Your brain might interpret this new sleeping arrangement as a threat of sorts. Neuroscientist Roxanne Prichard says that when we sleep, our brains first perceive the presence of another human as a threat. This is especially true if you are in a new environment, such as sleeping at your partner's place and not your own.

Your sleep environment might be a factor, too. Prichard suggests that something about your sleep environment could be off—it might not be dark, cold, or quiet enough.

If you're sleeping in a new environment, it's important to create a comforting nighttime routine. Try to start winding down 30 to 60 minutes before bed. During this time, you can read, journal, practice mindfulness, or listen to a podcast—anything that helps quiet your mind.

You can also try a meditation or sleep app to calm your mind. Sleep and meditation apps are designed to promote self-awareness and prepare your body for quality sleep.

If you're in a new environment and sharing a bed with a partner, it's important to make some compromises on room temperature, bedtimes, and electronic use. Eventually, you may find that you can both get a full eight hours and wake up feeling rested and refreshed.

If you're sleeping in a new environment and struggling to fall asleep, it's okay to have your own bed or even your own room. You can still do all the bed things, like cuddling or falling asleep together, but then you can retreat to your own space to get a good night's rest.

It takes time to adjust to a new sleeping arrangement, so give yourself some time to get used to it.

Frequently asked questions