Gina Johnson
There are many reasons why couples may choose not to sleep in the same bedroom. Some of the most common reasons include different sleep schedules, snoring, temperature preferences, and simply preferring to sleep alone. In fact, according to one study, over 60% of couples sleep separately. While there may be social pressure to share a bed with your partner, this is largely a socially constructed belief system rather than a scientific one. Ultimately, the decision to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms is a personal one, and what works for one couple may not work for another.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Better sleep quality | Snoring, tumbling, turning, not enough room, accidentally bumping into each other |
| Choice of mattress | |
| Curtains open or closed | |
| Different bed times/wake-up times | |
| Alarms | |
| Temperature preference | |
| Sleep disorders | Sleep apnea, insomnia, REM sleep disorder |
| Asthma | |
| Different sleep-wake patterns | Night owl vs. early bird |
| Relationship problems | Resentment, frustration, anger, anxiety |
What You'll Learn
Different sleep schedules
Sleeping in the same bed as your partner is not always easy, especially if you have different sleep schedules. One person's movements, noise, or light usage can disrupt the other's sleep, leading to sleep deprivation, increased irritability, and difficulty concentrating during the day. This can strain a relationship as both partners become frustrated from a lack of restful sleep.
However, there are strategies to help couples with different sleep schedules get a good night's rest while still sharing a bedroom.
Create a Sleep-Friendly Environment
To minimize disturbances, create a sleep-friendly environment that supports both individuals, regardless of their schedules. This may include:
- Nightlights with adjustable intensity on nightstands
- Sleep masks to block out light
- Noise-canceling devices, such as coloured noise machines or earplugs
- Wrist-worn devices with vibration alarms to reduce unnecessary loud noises
Be Mindful of Movement
If one partner goes to bed later or wakes up earlier, their movements can be disruptive. Opting for a bed with good motion isolation, such as a memory foam or hybrid mattress, can help reduce the transfer of movement. Using separate blankets can also minimize disturbances.
Respect Each Other's Needs
If one partner tends to stay up late, they can move to a separate room for activities such as reading, working, or watching TV, especially if it involves bright light or noise. This way, the bedroom remains a "sleep sanctuary" for the other person.
Establish Quiet Hours
If moving to another room is not possible, establish quiet hours in the bedroom. Agree on a time to power down devices or lower the volume so that the bedroom accommodates both partners' needs.
Sync Up When Possible
Couples can create opportunities for intimacy with a little creative thinking. This could include sharing wind-down activities such as chatting, reading together, or relaxing before one partner goes to bed. If evenings don't work, share morning cuddles or enjoy a nice breakfast together to strengthen your bond.
Communicate and Stay Flexible
Open communication is crucial, as sleep deprivation can make us irritable and quick to blame our partners for a bad night's sleep. Instead, discuss any challenges you're facing and brainstorm solutions together. Flexibility and understanding will help you adjust and find a sleep routine that works for both of you.
Prep the Night Before
If one partner wakes up early, they can minimize disturbances by prepping their clothes and other necessities the night before. They can also get dressed in the bathroom or another room, reducing light and noise for their partner.
Consider Separate Sleeping Arrangements
A "sleep divorce" doesn't necessarily mean relationship trouble. It can be a strategic choice for couples with different schedules or sleep environment preferences. The key is finding a solution that allows each partner to maintain their routine without disturbing the other. With clear communication and a few adjustments, couples can enjoy a shared bedroom while accommodating different schedules.
Remember, the decision to sleep separately or together should hinge on what works best for the couple involved. By embracing each other's unique needs and choices, we can foster stronger, healthier relationships.
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Snoring
If your partner snores, it is essential to address the issue together and work towards a solution. There are a few things you can try:
- Using pillows or a snorer backpack to prevent your partner from sleeping on their back.
- Avoiding alcohol and sleeping flat can help reduce snoring as alcohol relaxes the throat muscles.
- Using noise-cancelling headphones or earplugs.
- Sleeping in a different room.
- Using white noise machines or music to drown out the sound.
- Going to bed earlier than your partner.
- Using nose strips and nasal spray to reduce congestion.
- Using a retainer-like device to help with alignment issues of the jaw, tongue, and throat.
- Surgery for more severe cases.
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Sleep disorders
Insomnia involves problems with falling and staying asleep. About one-third of adults experience insomnia symptoms, with 4-22% meeting the criteria for insomnia disorder. To be diagnosed with insomnia disorder, sleep difficulties must occur at least three nights a week for at least three months, causing significant distress or problems at work, school, or other important areas of daily life.
Other common sleep disorders include:
- Sleep apnea: A breathing disorder characterised by repeated interruptions in breathing during sleep, lasting 10 seconds or more. This can cause snoring, snorting, gasping, or breathing pauses, resulting in daytime sleepiness and fatigue.
- Restless leg syndrome (RLS): This disorder involves a tingling or prickly sensation in the legs, along with a powerful urge to move them.
- Hypersomnia: A condition where individuals are unable to stay awake during the day, including narcolepsy, which causes extreme daytime sleepiness.
- Circadian rhythm disorders: Problems with the sleep-wake cycle, making it difficult to sleep and wake at the right times.
- Parasomnia: Unusual behaviours during sleep, such as walking, talking, or eating.
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Temperature preferences
One solution is to have separate beds or even bedrooms, allowing each person to control the temperature in their sleeping space. This can be particularly beneficial for couples who have different work schedules, as one person's preferred temperature may not align with the other's. For example, if one partner goes to bed early while the other stays up late, having separate spaces can prevent the early bird from feeling too warm and the night owl from feeling too cold.
Additionally, some couples may find that their temperature preferences change throughout the night. One person may prefer a cooler temperature when falling asleep, but then feel cold later on, while the other partner may experience the opposite pattern. In this case, having separate beds or bedrooms can provide the flexibility to adjust the temperature according to individual needs without disturbing the other person.
It's important to note that temperature preferences can vary significantly from person to person, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Some people may prefer a cooler room throughout the night, while others may want a warmer environment. By respecting each other's preferences and finding creative solutions, couples can ensure they both get a good night's rest, even if it means sleeping in separate bedrooms.
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Space to move
Sleeping in the same bed as your partner can be a real struggle. If you have slept in your own bed your entire life, sharing a bed with someone else is a huge deviation from what you are accustomed to. This means that your body naturally wants to fight it.
Your partner might disrupt your sleep in many ways. They might hog the covers, snore, toss and turn, or touch you. If you are a light sleeper, you might feel every time your partner moves. This is called mattress motion transfer.
Having your own bedroom gives you the space to move around without disturbing your partner. If you are a night owl who likes to burn the midnight oil, you can stay up without disturbing your partner who might be an early bird.
Different people have different sleep needs. Some people have a particular need for sleeping cooler than others. If you are one of those people, having a person whose body temperature is 98.6 degrees next to you, or touching you, will cause a potential disruption.
Having your own bedroom means you can control the room temperature to suit your needs.
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Frequently asked questions
There are many reasons why sleeping in separate bedrooms could be beneficial. Firstly, it can improve sleep quality and reduce stress. If you or your partner snore, have different sleep schedules, or have different mattress preferences, sleeping apart can lead to better sleep and less irritability.
In the late 19th century, twin beds were chosen by couples as a health precaution. Doctors warned of the risks of sharing a bed, believing that each sleeper should have their own bed to ensure pure, fresh air.
Sleeping apart could lead to a reduction in physical intimacy and sexual activity. It may also be perceived as a sign of a troubled relationship, although this is not necessarily the case.
Improved sleep quality can lead to better communication and a more harmonious relationship. It can also provide much-needed personal space and reduce sleep-related conflicts.
