Gina Johnson
Sleep disorders can be a source of strain in relationships, and this is evident in the case of a woman whose boyfriend says mean things to her in his sleep. The boyfriend in question works night shifts at a job he hates and often consumes alcohol to unwind and fall asleep. While asleep, he has snapped at his girlfriend and made hurtful comments, which has led to her crying and feeling guilty for bringing up his words. This situation has prompted discussions on sleep disorders, such as sexsomnia, and the potential impact of stress, alcohol consumption, and other factors on sleep quality. The woman's experience highlights the challenges of sharing a bed with a partner who has sleep issues and the emotional toll it can take.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Sleep-talking | Yelling, swearing, making sexual advances, choking |
| Sleep disorders | Non-REM parasomnia, sleep-related eating disorders, sleep paralysis, night terrors |
| Alcohol consumption | Whiskey, beer |
| Stress | Work, insomnia, snoring, guilt, irritability, exhaustion |
| Relationship issues | Emotional abuse, arguing, jealousy, aggression, lack of trust, negative outlook |
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What You'll Learn
Sleep talking and acting out dreams
Sleep talking, or somniloquy, is the act of speaking during sleep. It is a type of parasomnia—an abnormal behaviour that occurs during sleep. Sleep talking is very common and usually harmless. However, in some cases, it may be a sign of a more serious sleep disorder or health condition. Sleep talking can occur during any stage of sleep, and the content can vary from simple sounds to long, involved speeches. Some people may find the language offensive or vulgar.
Sleep talking usually occurs by itself but can sometimes be associated with other sleep disorders. Two types of sleep disorders that can cause people to shout during sleep are REM sleep behaviour disorder (RBD) and sleep terrors. RBD is characterised by vocalisations such as talking, swearing, or shouting, as well as aggressive movements like punching, kicking, or grabbing in response to a violent dream. Sleep terrors, also known as night terrors, typically involve frightening screams, thrashing, and kicking. It can be challenging to wake someone experiencing sleep terrors.
In addition to RBD and sleep terrors, parasomnias encompass a range of behaviours and events that disrupt sleep, including sleepwalking, sleep paralysis, and sleep-related eating disorders. Sleepwalking refers to walking or performing complex activities while asleep, which can be dangerous for the sleeper and those around them. Sleep paralysis causes a person to wake up unable to move their body, often accompanied by terrifying hallucinations. Sleep-related eating disorders can lead to the ingestion of toxic substances or inappropriate foods, such as vegans eating raw meat while asleep.
While sleep talking is typically benign, it is recommended to consult a sleep specialist if it occurs in adulthood, involves intense fear or violent actions, or interferes with the sleep of the individual or their bed partner. Treatment is available for parasomnias to help improve sleep quality and reduce disturbances.
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Sleep disorders and non-REM parasomnia
Sleep disorders and parasomnias can cause people to act out in various ways, including through speech or movement. Parasomnias are classified by the sleep state out of which they arise: non-rapid eye movement (NREM) sleep and rapid eye movement (REM) sleep. NREM parasomnias include disorders of arousal, such as confusional arousals, sleepwalking, and sleep terrors. These behaviours emerge when the cortex incompletely arouses from deep NREM sleep, often due to comorbid conditions that provoke repeated arousal or sleep inertia.
Sleepwalking, a type of NREM parasomnia, can cause people to get up and walk around while asleep, potentially engaging in prolonged and complex non-violent activities. Sleepwalking can begin in childhood and persist into adulthood, and it is often accompanied by residual confusion upon awakening. It can be caused by sleep-disordered breathing, such as obstructive sleep apnea (OSA), which can lead to sleepwalking during NREM sleep. Other NREM parasomnias include sleep-related eating disorder (SRED), which is characterised by episodes of feeding after arousal from sleep and is often associated with the use of sedative-hypnotic medications. Sexsomnia is another subtype of NREM parasomnias, where sexual behaviour emerges from partial arousal from NREM sleep.
REM parasomnias, on the other hand, include REM sleep behaviour disorder (RBD), in which people may act out their dreams through gestures, kicking, punching, or vocalisations such as talking, screaming, or moaning. RBD is more common in adults and individuals with neurodegenerative diseases like Parkinson's disease, Lewy body dementia, or multiple system atrophy. While some people sleep through mild RBD episodes, most wake up and recall their dreams.
Parasomnias can also occur outside of NREM or REM sleep, such as during the transition into or out of sleep. These are classified as "other parasomnias." One example is sleep enuresis, or bedwetting, which is considered a parasomnia when it occurs at least twice a week in individuals over the age of five. Another parasomnia is sleep-related groaning, or catathrenia, which involves repeated moaning or groaning noises during sleep.
While the causes of parasomnias vary, they can be triggered by neurological disorders, medications, or inherited traits. Conditions affecting the nervous system, such as narcolepsy, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson's disease, dementia, or brain tumours, can contribute to parasomnias. Additionally, certain medications, including antidepressants and sedative-hypnotic drugs, may increase the likelihood of experiencing parasomnias. Finally, genes play a role, and a family history of parasomnias may make an individual more susceptible to developing them.
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Stress and irritability
Sleep issues and relationship problems often go hand in hand. Lack of sleep or poor-quality sleep can lead to irritability and stress, which can negatively impact a person's behaviour and their interactions with their partner.
In the case of a boyfriend being mean in his sleep, it's important to consider the underlying causes of his sleep disturbances. One possible explanation could be stress and irritability. For example, if your boyfriend works night shifts at a job he dislikes, as mentioned in one source, the resulting stress and exhaustion could contribute to his irritability and mean behaviour while asleep.
Additionally, if your boyfriend experiences insomnia or has difficulty sleeping regularly, this could further exacerbate the problem. The stress of not being able to sleep and the resulting exhaustion can heighten negative emotions and make it harder to regulate one's behaviour.
It's also worth noting that sleep talking or shouting can be a result of a person acting out their dreams. If your boyfriend is already stressed and irritable, his dreams may reflect these emotions, causing him to say or do mean things in his sleep.
To address this issue, it's important to address the underlying stress and irritability. This could involve finding ways to reduce stress, such as through relaxation techniques, stress management strategies, or even therapy if the stress is affecting his daily life and relationships significantly.
Additionally, improving sleep hygiene practices and creating a relaxing bedtime routine could help reduce sleep disturbances and improve overall mood and behaviour. This might include establishing a consistent sleep schedule, creating a comfortable and peaceful sleep environment, and avoiding stimulating activities or substances before bed.
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Alcohol consumption before bed
Additionally, alcohol consumption can impact the sleep-wake cycle by interfering with circadian rhythms, the biological patterns that operate on a 24-hour clock. Alcohol may decrease the body's sensitivity to cues like daylight and darkness, which trigger shifts in body temperature and the secretion of the sleep hormone melatonin. These fluctuations play a vital role in regulating sleep and wakefulness. As a result, individuals may feel alert when they want to sleep and sleepy when they want to be awake.
The effects of alcohol on sleep can be further exacerbated by caffeine consumption. Caffeine has a stimulating effect that can make individuals feel the effects of alcohol less, leading to increased alcohol consumption. Caffeine can also make it harder to fall asleep and exacerbate sleep problems caused by alcohol.
Furthermore, alcohol consumption has been linked to aggression and arguments in relationships. Alcohol suppresses inhibitions, making it harder to interpret social cues accurately and react appropriately. It can narrow one's attention, leading to misinterpretations of a partner's behaviour and an increased likelihood of engaging in confrontational situations.
To maintain healthy sleep habits and relationship dynamics, it is recommended to avoid alcohol close to bedtime, typically at least three hours before sleeping. This allows the body time to metabolize the alcohol and reduces the risk of sleep disruptions. It is also essential to address any concerns regarding alcohol consumption when both partners are sober and to seek professional help if necessary.
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Separate beds and bedrooms
There is a lot of pressure and stigma around the idea of sleeping in separate beds or bedrooms, but this is largely a socially constructed belief system, not science-based. In reality, there is very little systematic research on how sleeping apart affects couples' relationship quality or intimacy. Anecdotally, many couples report that sleeping apart has "saved their relationship".
If you are experiencing sleep issues with your boyfriend, it is important to first try to address the root cause of the problem. For example, if your boyfriend snores, preventative steps such as losing weight if overweight, staying away from allergy triggers, and avoiding alcohol before bed may help. You can also try earplugs, eye masks, blackout curtains, or white noise machines to reduce the sensory stimulation that is keeping you awake.
If these solutions do not work, you may want to consider separate beds or bedrooms. This can be a difficult decision, as it may feel like a defeat or an embarrassment. However, it is important to prioritize your sleep and well-being. Separate sleeping arrangements can provide benefits such as improved sleep quality, reduced stress, and increased intimacy during waking hours.
If you decide to go this route, it is important to be intentional about making time for closeness and intimacy. This might include sleeping in the same bed on certain days, lying in bed together for physical closeness and pillow talk, or jumping on each other's beds in the morning to say good morning.
Ultimately, the decision to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms is a personal one, and what works for one couple may not work for another. The key is to find a solution that improves your sleep and strengthens your relationship.
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Frequently asked questions
Sleep disorders, stress, or alcohol could be contributing factors to your boyfriend's behaviour during sleep.
It may be helpful to let him know that what he is experiencing is a documented phenomenon, that it is not his fault, and that treatment is possible. Treatment options include medication, stopping snoring, abstaining from drinking before bed, and creating an undisturbed environment.
Sleep problems can put a strain on relationships. If this is the case, you may consider sleeping in separate beds or bedrooms.
If your boyfriend's sleep is causing him to act out physically, it may be best to seek medical advice from a professional.
