Partner Keeping You Up? Here's Why You're Not Sleeping Well

Sharing a bed with a partner can be a challenge for many couples. There are several factors that can cause sleep disruptions, such as different sleep schedules, sleep disorders, or even environmental factors like lighting and noise. For some, it can be difficult to adjust to sharing a bed, as our brains initially perceive the presence of another person as a threat. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and self-consciousness, making it hard to fall asleep. In addition, certain health conditions, such as sleep apnea, can also contribute to sleep disturbances. To improve sleep when sharing a bed, it is important to address the root cause and work together to find creative solutions, such as using separate blankets or staggering bedtimes. Ultimately, if separate rooms are needed to achieve a good night's sleep, it is important to prioritize sleep quality over cultural norms.

Different sleep environments

Sleeping in the same bed as your partner can be a difficult adjustment, especially if you have different sleep habits. Here are some tips to help you create a more harmonious sleep environment:

Adjust to New Environmental Factors

When sleeping in the same bed as your partner, you may be exposed to new environmental factors such as noises, smells, and lighting in their bedroom. These factors can keep you awake, making it difficult for your body to get into sleep mode. Try to minimise distractions by creating a comfortable sleep environment that suits both of you. This may include making the room darker, quieter, or adjusting the temperature to suit you both.

Sync Your Sleep Schedules

If your sleep schedules are out of sync, try to align them as much as possible. If one person tends to feel sleepier earlier than the other, don't hold out on going to bed until your partner is ready. Instead, try to get into bed within your optimal bedtime window to increase your chances of falling asleep easily.

Get a Bigger Bed

If you feel cramped or restricted in your current bed, consider upgrading to a bigger size. This can give you both more personal space and reduce disturbances caused by tossing and turning or stealing the blankets.

Use Separate Beddings

Using separate blankets and sheets can be a simple solution if you and your partner have different temperature preferences or sleeping styles. This way, you can each adjust your bedding to your own comfort without disturbing the other person.

Stagger Your Bedtimes

If possible, try staggering your bedtimes so that the person who falls asleep more easily can get to sleep first. This can help reduce the impact of differences in sleep habits, such as reading or watching TV before sleeping.

Create a Sleep Routine

Establish a bedtime routine that promotes relaxation and prepares your body for sleep. This may include activities such as reading, meditation, or listening to soothing music. Avoid stimulating activities, such as working out or consuming caffeine late in the day, as they can interfere with your sleep.

Remember, it's normal to take time to adjust to sharing a bed with your partner. Open communication, empathy, and creativity in finding solutions are key to improving your sleep environment and getting a good night's rest.

Anxiety about sleeping together

It's perfectly normal to feel anxious about sleeping with a partner, especially if it's a new relationship. Our brains first perceive the presence of another person while sleeping as a threat, and it takes time to adjust. If you're sleeping in your partner's bedroom, you may not be used to the sounds, smells, lighting, or temperature, and this can make it harder for your body to relax into sleep mode.

If you feel self-conscious about how you look or sound when you sleep, or worry about disturbing your partner, it's worth remembering that they probably aren't judging you. However, your brain might not be getting that memo, and it could be perceiving your partner's presence as a threat. This can cause your brain to keep you awake or prevent you from getting into deep sleep.

If you're experiencing anxiety about sleeping with your partner, it may help to take naps together during the day, in a low-stakes environment, to help you adjust to co-sleeping at night. It's also important to remember that separate bedrooms are always an option if you feel your sleep is being affected. There is no shame in sleeping apart, and it can be beneficial for both your mental and physical health.

If you want to continue sharing a bed, there are a few things you can try to reduce anxiety and improve your sleep:

• Make sure you're getting enough exercise during the day.
• Try yoga, which has a calming effect on the mind.
• Talk to your doctor to rule out any medical reasons for your insomnia.
• Eat dinner earlier, as eating late can disrupt your sleep-wake cycle.
• Try meditation or active meditation practices like yoga.
• Take melatonin, magnesium, or lavender oil supplements to aid sleep.
• Ban electronics from the bedroom, as these can overstimulate your brain.
• Avoid caffeine, especially later in the day.
• Use separate blankets.
• Invest in a bigger bed.
• Have sex, as the oxytocin and vasopressin released can aid sleep.

Remember, it's okay to want your own space, and it's important to be honest with your partner about your sleep needs.

Lack of physical intimacy

Sleeping in separate beds or bedrooms can be a sensitive topic for couples, as it may evoke feelings of having a loveless or sexless relationship. However, it is important to prioritize sleep quality and recognize that this arrangement can actually strengthen your bond and improve intimacy.

Environmental Factors

New environmental factors in your partner's bedroom, such as noises, smells, and lighting, could be keeping you awake. Even if you don't cuddle and sleep on separate sides of the bed, these factors can disrupt your sleep. It takes time for your body to adjust to sharing a bed, as your brain initially perceives the presence of another person as a threat.

Sleep Schedules

If your sleep schedules are misaligned, you may be missing your optimal bedtime window by waiting for your partner to go to bed. This can lead to resentment and affect your sleep quality.

Stress and Anxiety

The stress of wondering if your partner will be able to sleep and the guilt of feeling responsible for their sleeplessness can keep you up at night. Additionally, anxiety about how you look, sound, or if you're disturbing your partner can contribute to insomnia. Even if you know your partner doesn't care about your sleep habits, your brain might not fully process this information, perceiving their presence as a threat.

Solutions

• Get creative with solutions: Try using eye masks, earplugs, blackout curtains, or white noise machines to reduce sensory stimulation. You can also stagger bedtimes or have separate beds in the same room.
• Practice empathy and compassion: Recognize that your partner's sleep issues are likely not their fault and approach the conversation with empathy. Express concern for their sleep quality and work together to find solutions.
• Address health-related issues: If your partner has a health-related sleep issue, like snoring or sleep apnea, gently recommend they get a sleep evaluation. Offer your support throughout the process, especially if they're worried about the appearance of devices like CPAP machines.
• Make time for intimacy: If you do end up in separate rooms, ensure you make time for physical closeness and intimacy before bed or during the day.

Remember, it's okay to want your own space and a good night's sleep. By addressing these issues with compassion and creativity, you can improve your sleep quality and strengthen your relationship.

Sleep disorders

There are many reasons why you might not be sleeping well next to your partner. Firstly, it could be due to environmental factors such as noises, smells, lighting, or temperature differences in your partner's bedroom that your body is not accustomed to. Additionally, sharing a bed with a partner can be a source of stress and anxiety, especially if you feel self-conscious or worry about disturbing them. Here are some tips to help you improve your sleep when sharing a bed with your partner:

• Address environmental factors: If possible, make adjustments to the sleeping environment, such as reducing noise, light, or odours that may be disrupting your sleep.
• Sync sleep schedules: Try to align your sleep schedules as much as possible. If you tend to get sleepy earlier than your partner, don't force yourself to stay up, as this may cause you to miss your optimal bedtime window.
• Practice relaxation techniques: Try yoga, meditation, or deep breathing exercises to calm your mind and reduce anxiety before bed.
• Establish a bedtime routine: Engage in relaxing activities before bed, such as reading or listening to soothing music. Avoid stimulating activities, such as working out or consuming caffeine late in the day.
• Create a comfortable sleep environment: Ensure the bedroom is cool, dark, and quiet. Consider using earplugs, eye masks, or white noise machines to create a soothing sleep environment.
• Use separate blankets or beds: If temperature regulation or blanket-hogging is an issue, consider using separate blankets or even separate beds to improve your comfort and sleep quality.
• Seek medical advice: If you suspect a medical condition, such as sleep apnea or night terrors, consult a doctor or sleep specialist for advice and treatment options.
• Communicate and compromise: Open and empathetic communication is key. Express your needs and work together to find solutions, such as staggering bedtimes or making adjustments to the sleeping environment.
• Consider separate bedrooms: If all else fails, don't be afraid to sleep in separate bedrooms. Many couples find that this improves their sleep quality and relationship satisfaction. Prioritize intimacy and closeness during waking hours through quality time and physical affection.

Different sleep schedules

If you and your partner have different sleep schedules, here are some strategies to help you both get a good night's rest:

Compromise and Meet in the Middle

If your bedtimes differ by an hour or so, try to meet halfway. Gradually adjust your sleep schedules over a week by shifting your bedtime by 10 minutes each day until you find a common ground that works for both of you.

Create a Sleep-Friendly Environment

Optimise your bedroom to accommodate both your sleep preferences. This could include designated reading areas, blackout curtains, noise-blocking techniques, and other elements that cater to individual sleep needs. For example, if you like to stay up reading, set up a nook on the other side of the room instead of reading in bed, as the light is more likely to disrupt your partner.

Consider Separate Bedrooms

While it may seem unconventional, sleeping in separate bedrooms can be a viable solution for couples with vastly different sleep patterns. This option ensures that both individuals get the restful sleep they need, and it's more common than you might think. Prioritise spending quality time together while you're awake to maintain a strong emotional connection.

Respect Each Other's Schedules

Be mindful of your partner's sleep schedule, whether they're heading to bed or already asleep. Wear headphones, use a nightlight, and be as quiet as possible to avoid disturbing them. Similarly, if you're the early bird, save some coffee for your partner who stayed up late.

Explore Mattress Options

Consider investing in a larger mattress or even separate mattresses to suit both your needs. A bigger bed can provide more space and comfort, while separate mattresses can offer optimal support and comfort for different sleeping styles.

Remember that it's normal to take time to adjust to sharing a bed with your partner, and it's all about compromise and communication. Be open to making personal adjustments, such as using earplugs, eye masks, or separate blankets, to ensure a peaceful night's sleep for both of you.

Frequently asked questions