Evie Summers
Co-sleeping with children is a topic that evokes strong opinions. While some proponents argue that it nurtures the parent-child bond, reduces children's anxiety, and helps them sleep, critics say it negatively impacts a child's independence and disrupts the parents' sleep and intimacy. The practice is more common than people realize, with 45% of mothers co-sleeping with their 8 to 12-year-old children occasionally, and 13% doing so daily. This phenomenon, often driven by societal expectations and parental choices, raises the question of whether a 9-year-old child should sleep with their parents.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Percentage of mothers co-sleeping with 8 to 12-year-olds occasionally | 45% |
| Percentage of mothers co-sleeping with 8 to 12-year-olds daily | 13% |
| Impact on children | Memory loss, fatigue, low energy, depression, obesity, inability to attend sleepovers and other independent activities |
| Impact on parents | Sleep deprivation, negative impact on marital relationship, physiological and psychological well-being |
| Anxiety | Children with anxiety disorders are more likely to co-sleep |
| Country-wise data | Brazil (47%), Italy (30%), China (25%) |
| Benefits | Nurtures parent-child attachment, reduces children's anxiety, helps children sleep |
| Drawbacks | Stunts independence, disrupts parents' sleep and intimacy |
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What You'll Learn
Co-sleeping is common, but is it good for parents?
Co-sleeping with children is common, with 45% of mothers allowing their 8- to 12-year-olds to sleep with them occasionally and 13% permitting it every night. While co-sleeping is a common practice, the question of whether it is beneficial for parents is complex and depends on various factors.
One of the main challenges for parents who co-sleep is sleep deprivation. Chronic co-sleeping can lead to sleep deprivation for parents, impacting their physiological and psychological well-being. It can also affect the marital relationship and cause additional stress for the entire family. Sleep deprivation can make it difficult for parents to resume control over nighttime routines and their bed.
Co-sleeping can also impact a child's development and independence. Critics argue that co-sleeping stunts a child's independence and can lead to dependent behaviours during the daytime. It can make it difficult for children to participate in age-appropriate activities such as sleepovers with friends or overnight class trips. Additionally, co-sleeping has been linked to negative impacts on a child's functioning, including memory loss, fatigue, low energy, depression, and obesity.
However, co-sleeping can also have benefits for parents. It can nurture the parent-child attachment, reduce children's anxiety, and help children sleep. For new mothers, co-sleeping can also offer an easier way to breastfeed. In some cultures and societies, co-sleeping is the norm and is viewed as a natural part of family life.
Ultimately, the decision to co-sleep or not is a personal choice for parents. If parents are enjoying co-sleeping with their children but feel they "should" stop, it is important to recognize that there is no scientific timeframe for when co-sleeping should be stopped. Social myths and societal expectations often contribute to the negative reputation of co-sleeping. However, if parents find that co-sleeping is causing significant stress or disruption, they can seek professional help to gradually transition to independent sleeping arrangements for their children.
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The impact on child development and independence
Co-sleeping with a nine-year-old can have both positive and negative impacts on child development and independence. On the one hand, co-sleeping can nurture the parent-child attachment, reduce children's anxiety, and help children sleep. This is especially true for anxious children, who experience higher levels of cognitive and physiological arousal, cortisol, and anxiety during the pre-sleep period. Preliminary evidence suggests that co-sleeping is prevalent among school-aged children with anxiety disorders.
However, critics argue that co-sleeping stunts a child's independence and disrupts parents' sleep and intimacy. Co-sleeping may also negatively impact children's ability to participate in age-appropriate independent activities, such as sleepovers with friends or overnight class trips. Additionally, chronic co-sleeping can lead to memory loss, fatigue, low energy, depression, and obesity in both children and adults.
It is worth noting that the idea that children should sleep alone is a relatively recent concept, emerging during the 19th century with the rise of nuclear families and the need for increased discipline and independence in children. Before this, communal sleeping arrangements were common, and co-sleeping is still the norm in many societies today.
Ultimately, the decision to co-sleep or not is influenced by societal expectations and parents' own choices. While there is no scientific timeframe for when co-sleeping should be stopped, it is important for parents to recognize the potential benefits and drawbacks of co-sleeping on child development and independence and to provide support and guidance as children learn to sleep alone.
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Anxiety and low self-esteem in children
Co-sleeping with a 9-year-old child can have several impacts on the child's mental health and development. While co-sleeping may seem like a good idea for new mothers to develop a deeper bond with their child, it can lead to delayed psychological development and negatively impact the child's personality in the future.
Chronic co-sleeping can cause anxiety and low self-esteem in children, which are related to their inability to sleep alone and participate in independent activities. A child's self-esteem is heavily influenced by their relationships, and negative messages from parents, relatives, peers, teachers, siblings, or social media can have a detrimental effect. Additionally, co-sleeping can cause sleep deprivation for parents, impacting their psychological well-being and the marital relationship.
Children with anxiety disorders are more likely to co-sleep, and greater anxiety severity is associated with more frequent co-sleeping. Co-sleeping can create additional stress for the entire family, leading to fatigue, low energy, depression, and obesity. It can also hinder a child's ability to develop strong personalities and face their fears, which can impact their future confidence and self-esteem.
To address anxiety and low self-esteem in children related to co-sleeping, parents can take several steps. Firstly, it is important to recognize the severity of the problem and commit to changing the behavior. This may involve gradual behavioral changes, such as parental comfort and presence at bedtime being slowly removed. Reassurance and encouragement should be provided to help the child face their fears and develop independence. Parents should also emphasize the importance of everyone having their own space and maintaining a consistent sleep and wake cycle.
If a child is struggling with anxiety and low self-esteem, seeking professional help is crucial. Therapy and ongoing consultations with mental health professionals can provide support and guidance. It is also beneficial to maintain open communication with the child's therapist and pay attention to their overall mood, sleep, and appetite to address any potential risks, such as depression.
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Chronic co-sleeping and its negative impacts
Chronic co-sleeping with older children can have several negative impacts on both the child and the parent. Firstly, it can lead to memory loss, fatigue, low energy, depression, and obesity in both children and adults. The Canadian Pediatric Society has termed this "behavioural insomnia", which affects 20-30% of children who end up in their parents' bed during the night.
Secondly, co-sleeping can negatively impact the marital relationship and the physiological and psychological well-being of adults. Sleep deprivation can add to the challenge of resuming control over the nighttime routine and the bed. It can also disrupt parents' sleep and intimacy, as critics argue.
Thirdly, co-sleeping can hinder a child's independence and ability to participate in age-appropriate activities. For example, a child who co-sleeps may not be able to attend sleepovers with friends or overnight class trips. It can also impact their psychological development, leading to lower self-esteem, anxiety, and dependent behaviours.
Finally, chronic co-sleeping can be stressful for the entire family. It may seem like a good idea at first, but over time it can create additional stress and make it difficult to change the status quo. It is important for parents to recognize the severity of the problem and commit to changing it, with the understanding that there will likely be resistance.
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Strategies to help children sleep independently
While co-sleeping with a 9-year-old child may seem harmless, it can have negative consequences for both the child and the parent. Co-sleeping has been linked to delayed psychological development in children, impacting their ability to develop strong personalities and increasing their risk of memory loss, fatigue, low energy, depression, and obesity. It can also lead to sleep deprivation in parents, affecting their physiological and psychological well-being.
Recognize the Importance of Independent Sleep:
Explain to your child about the importance of everyone having their own space and sleep time. Emphasize that sleeping independently will help them feel more confident and capable. Discuss how a good night's sleep will give them more energy to enjoy their daily activities and participate in age-appropriate events, such as sleepovers with friends.
Create a Comfortable and Safe Environment:
Set up your child's bedroom to be a comfortable and safe space. Ensure the temperature is pleasant and the lighting is dim or use a night light if needed. Remove electronic devices like televisions and computers, as the stimulation from these devices can make it harder for your child to fall asleep. Instead, encourage calming activities before bed, such as reading books, listening to soothing music, or spending time on hobbies they enjoy.
Establish a Bedtime Routine:
Create a consistent bedtime routine to help your child feel more secure and relaxed. This could include activities such as taking a warm bath, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, and reading bedtime stories. A regular routine helps children understand the expectation of sleeping independently and can make them feel more prepared and secure.
Use Positive Reinforcement:
Implement a reward system to encourage your child to sleep independently. For example, after a good night's sleep, they can choose their favorite breakfast or pick an activity for family time. Instant rewards, such as a kiss, a band-aid, or positive praise, can also be effective. However, avoid promising rewards that are too far in the future, as children need instant gratification.
Gradual Withdrawal:
Start by sleeping in your child's room, but make your presence boring and unengaging. Gradually move towards sitting outside their door during bedtime and middle-of-the-night wakings. Eventually, remove yourself from the room entirely. This method helps your child get used to sleeping independently while still feeling reassured by your proximity.
Address Anxiety and Fears:
Anxiety, insecurity, and fears can often be the reasons why children seek bedtime company. Help your child face their fears and encourage them to develop confidence in managing their emotions. Provide comforting objects, such as stuffed animals or blankets, to reassure them during the night.
It's important to remember that this transition may take time, and you should expect some resistance. Be consistent and patient, and always prioritize your child's emotional well-being during this process.
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Frequently asked questions
While there is no guideline for when co-sleeping should be stopped, it is more common than people realise. Studies show that 45% of mothers co-sleep with their 8 to 12-year-olds occasionally, and 13% do it daily.
Critics of co-sleeping argue that it stunts a child's independence, disrupts parents' sleep and intimacy, and can lead to sleep deprivation for the parents. It can also negatively impact the child's ability to participate in age-appropriate activities such as sleepovers with friends or overnight class trips.
Proponents of co-sleeping argue that it nurtures the parent-child attachment, reduces children's anxiety, and helps children sleep. It is also more convenient for breastfeeding and can be a source of comfort and security for both the parent and the child.
Recognise the severity of the problem and commit to changing it. Expect resistance and be prepared to use whatever resources are available to achieve the goal of everyone sleeping in their own beds. Reassure the child to face their fears and encourage them to develop independence.
Co-sleeping is more common in some cultures and societies than in others. In Western societies, the idea that children should sleep alone emerged during the 19th century with the rise of nuclear families and the need for increased discipline. However, in many non-Western societies, communal sleeping arrangements are still the norm. For example, in Brazil, up to 47% of school-aged children co-sleep with their parents at least sometimes, while in China, 25% of pre-adolescents co-sleep.
