Being An Asshole? How To Sleep With A Clear Conscience

Sleep is an essential biological function, and a lack of it can make you irritable and prone to acting like an asshole. In fact, one source suggests that sleep deprivation may be the very reason why you're being an asshole in the first place. So, if you've been an asshole all day, you might want to consider getting some shut-eye to reset and start afresh tomorrow. However, if you're struggling to sleep because you've been an asshole, it might be worth reflecting on your behaviour and considering how you can be less of an asshole in the future.

Recognise your own asshole tendencies

Recognise Your Own 'Asshole' Tendencies

Being an 'asshole' is a choice, and it's often a choice that people make subconsciously. The first step to recognising your own 'asshole' tendencies is to acknowledge that you might be one.

Filterless

The first sign is that you have no filter. You speak your mind and don't hold back from pointing out others' flaws and mistakes, no matter how petty. You might also be prone to gloating when you're right or win something. This behaviour can make you come across as insensitive and rude.

Inaction

You might also be an 'asshole' if you don't back up your words with actions. For example, you might constantly bail on plans with friends or family, even though you claim to care about them. This kind of behaviour can make you seem unreliable and uncaring.

Lack of Empathy

Another sign of 'asshole' behaviour is a lack of empathy. If a friend comes to you with a problem, instead of offering support, you might dismiss their feelings or offer unsolicited advice. True empathy involves trying to understand another person's feelings, even if you don't agree with or understand their perspective.

Self-Awareness

Being self-aware is key to recognising your own 'asshole' tendencies. Pay attention to how you interact with others and how they respond to you. If you notice that people often seem uncomfortable or annoyed after you speak, it might be a sign that you need to adjust your behaviour.

Feedback

Asking for feedback from people you trust can also help you become more aware of your 'asshole' tendencies. It's important to listen to their responses and try to see things from their perspective.

Recognising your own 'asshole' tendencies is the first step to changing your behaviour and improving your relationships with others. It takes honesty and self-reflection, but it's worth it to become a better version of yourself.

Understand the root causes of your behaviour

Understanding the Root Causes of Your Behaviour

The Psychology of Being an "Asshole"

The term "asshole" is a moral judgement of a person's character rather than a condemnation of specific behaviours. Assholes are defined by their self-centredness, aggression, and manipulativeness, as well as their violation of social norms. While there are many "flavours" of asshole, they are united by these common traits.

Understanding Your Behaviour

You may have adopted an "Asshole Belief System" as a defensive mechanism, especially if you had a difficult upbringing. Your anger and distrust of others may stem from emotional neglect or abuse in your childhood. Your behaviour could be a way of demanding attention and acknowledgement from those around you, in an attempt to recreate the conditions of your childhood.

The Impact of Your Behaviour

Your behaviour may be entertaining to some, but it is also isolating. While you may feel that you are serving an important function by calling out bad behaviour, your aggression and lack of compassion are likely pushing people away. Your friends may only be comfortable spending time with you when you are "in the right mood", and they may not feel that they can be fully honest with you.

Your Next Steps

To change your behaviour, you must first recognise how it is hurting you and compromising your ability to form intimate relationships. You must also acknowledge how you use anger to avoid dealing with your fears and sadness. You can then start to develop self-compassion and vulnerability, which will help you to connect with others and form more meaningful relationships.

Learn to be more vulnerable

Being vulnerable can be intimidating, but it is an important part of building strong, meaningful, and intimate connections with others. It can be particularly challenging if you grew up in an environment that was not emotionally nurturing, or if you have previously been hurt when sharing your feelings. However, by learning to be more vulnerable, you can improve your relationships and feel more satisfied and connected. Here are some ways to help you become more vulnerable:

Develop Self-Awareness

The first step towards becoming more vulnerable is to know yourself and understand your own emotions. Take time to reflect and process your feelings, perhaps through journaling or talking with a counsellor. This will help you communicate your truth to others and build emotional intimacy.

Clarify Your Feelings

Give yourself time and space to clarify your feelings before sharing them with others. Vulnerability is also about timing and finding the right moment to share. Make sure your partner is in the right mindset and able to be fully present and responsive when you want to have a vulnerable conversation.

Be Explicit With Your Partner

If you want to have a vulnerable conversation, let your partner know in advance. Express your apprehensions about being vulnerable and emphasise the importance of feeling emotionally safe with them. For example, you could say something like, "It means a lot to me that you're sitting here and looking into my eyes while I talk."

Accept Your Fears

It's normal to feel scared or apprehensive when being vulnerable. Acknowledge these feelings out loud and remind yourself and your partner that vulnerability is the path to a deeper, more intimate connection. Be brave and honest, and don't be afraid to ask for what you need.

Help Your Partner Listen

When sharing your feelings, let your partner know that you don't need them to "fix" anything or provide solutions. The goal is connection, not resolution. Communicate openly about what helps you feel safe and supported, and work together to create an environment of emotional safety and trust.

Practice Vulnerability in Different Areas of Your Life

Vulnerability can be practised in various aspects of your life, including close relationships, friendships, the workplace, and your community. Start small and gradually build up your vulnerability muscles. Remember that being vulnerable is a strength, not a weakness, and it will help you cultivate deeper, more authentic connections.

Develop self-awareness

Self-awareness is a vital skill to cultivate for personal development. It is the ability to monitor our inner and external worlds, and to understand our thoughts and feelings as signals. By developing self-awareness, we can avoid being swept away by our emotions and instead respond to them thoughtfully and objectively.

Thought Diary:

Keep track of your thoughts, especially those that arise as automatic reactions. Note what was happening at the time, and the level of emotion triggered. If possible, analyse and understand the underlying reasons for your emotional experience. This can help identify common threads and patterns in your emotional responses.

Mindfulness Practice:

Engaging in mindfulness activities such as meditation or yoga can help improve your presence and make your behaviour more intentional, leading to increased self-awareness.

External Perspective:

Asking a friend or relative for feedback about your strengths and weaknesses can provide valuable insight into how others perceive you. This external perspective can complement your internal self-awareness and help you understand your impact on others.

Emotional Intelligence:

Possessing emotional intelligence and learning to regulate your emotions is crucial. Self-awareness is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence, enabling you to understand your internal experience and how it affects those around you.

Journaling:

Writing in a journal with honesty and self-reflection can help increase self-awareness. It allows you to track triggers and redirect automated reactions to certain stimuli. Journaling can also provide insight into changes that could be made and help you identify patterns in your thoughts and behaviours.

By developing self-awareness, you can improve your ability to empathise with others, boost your self-confidence and self-worth, and make more intentional choices. It is an ongoing process of reflection and experimentation that requires dedication and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone.

Ask for feedback from others

Asking for feedback is a great way to improve yourself and your work performance. It can be a scary word, but it doesn't have to be. Here are some tips on how to ask for feedback from others:

Reflect on what you hope to gain

Know your goal in asking for feedback. Are you looking for an accurate picture of your strengths and weaknesses? Do you want to improve your work performance and meet your goals? Understanding your motivation will help you get the most out of the feedback process.

Identify the right people to ask

Consider who has the most knowledge of your work and whose opinions you respect. This could include colleagues, team members, clients, and managers with different management styles. Getting feedback from a variety of sources, known as 360 feedback, will provide a well-rounded perspective.

Schedule a convenient time to meet

Choose a time that works best for the person offering feedback and give them ample time to prepare. This could be after learning a new skill or taking on a new role, as they can provide insight into your development. Make sure to let them know in advance and find a time when they are not busy or preoccupied.

Prepare the right questions

Spend time reflecting on specific areas where you want to improve or sense there might be a disconnect. Ask open-ended questions to gather detailed information and gain a better understanding of the context and the impact of your behaviour. You can also use yes/no or rating-based questions for quick confirmation or validation.

Take notes and implement improvements

Show that you value the feedback by taking notes during the meeting. After receiving the feedback, take time to reflect and create a step-by-step plan to implement specific improvements. Share this plan with the people who provided feedback to show your commitment to growth.

Say thank you and ask for regular feedback

Express your gratitude to those who took the time to provide feedback. This will foster beneficial professional relationships and make them more open to future feedback sessions. Regular feedback, such as once a month, can help you develop reciprocal relationships and improve your performance over time.

Frequently asked questions