Gina Johnson
A sleep divorce is when a couple chooses to sleep separately to improve their sleep health and, in turn, their relationship. This phenomenon is becoming increasingly popular, with surveys finding that over a third of couples sleep in separate beds or bedrooms. Couples may choose to do this due to differing sleep schedules, mattress preferences, or sleep disturbances such as snoring. While it may carry negative connotations, research shows that sleep among co-sleeping partners is highly interdependent, and that improving sleep quality can improve depression, anxiety, stress, and psychosis.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Number of couples sleeping separately | 1 in 5 couples |
| Reasons for sleeping separately | Snoring, insomnia, different body clocks, sleep schedules, restlessness, different sleep patterns and preferences, space in bed, temperature, mattress softness/firmness, type of blanket or sheets, sleep rhythms, security, comfort |
| Benefits | Improved sleep quality, reduced sleep interruptions, increased time asleep, improved relationship, improved mental health, better communication, better intimacy, reduced inflammation |
| Drawbacks | Feelings of emotional disconnection, reduced spontaneous intimacy, risk of relationship suffering, negative connotations |
| Tips | Discuss reasons and preferences, establish a plan, communicate intentions, nurture the relationship, make sleeping spaces cozy, schedule intimacy, exercise together, use earplugs, white noise machines, sleep masks, individual bedding, larger bed, temperature-control mattress topper |
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What You'll Learn
Try a 'sleep alliance' instead
Try a sleep alliance instead
The term "sleep divorce" has negative connotations, implying relationship troubles and carrying a stigma of embarrassment and shame. However, choosing to sleep apart from your partner is not a reflection of the strength of your relationship, and can, in fact, be beneficial for your health and the health of your relationship. So, why not call it a "sleep alliance" instead?
A sleep alliance is about recognising that negotiating sleeping arrangements is a normal part of being in a couple and is no different from any other problem-solving exercise that couples must deal with. It is about each partner creating a sleep environment tailored to their preferences, whether that's a cooler room, a firmer mattress, or specific bedtime routines. This might involve sleeping in separate beds or rooms, but it can also include other strategies like using earplugs, white noise machines, sleep masks, or individual bedding to satisfy differences in temperature preferences or to stop sheet-stealing.
Before seeking a complete sleep divorce, consider compromises that are acceptable to both of you. For example, if your partner's snoring wakes you up, try wearing earplugs, use a bedside sound machine, or listen to a podcast as you fall asleep. If snoring is a problem, your partner could try sleeping on their side and seeing a doctor to find out what's causing it.
When you sleep apart, it's important to make both sleeping spaces cosy, schedule time for intimacy, and regularly assess whether the arrangement is working for both partners. If you miss the comfort and security of your partner, sleeping with a body pillow or a weighted blanket might help. You could also talk on the phone or via video call as you're going to sleep.
Research shows that improving sleep quality can improve depression, anxiety, stress, rumination, and even psychosis. When we are well-rested, we communicate better, interact better, and have better intimacy.
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Compromise before sleeping apart
If you are considering sleeping apart from your spouse during a divorce, it is important to first try to compromise. Sleeping in separate bedrooms can carry the risk of your relationship suffering, especially if one person does not want to sleep apart or does not like the new sleeping environment.
Before seeking a complete sleep divorce, consider compromises that are acceptable to both of you. For example, if your partner's snoring wakes you up, try wearing earplugs, use a bedside sound machine, or wear earbuds and listen to a podcast as you fall asleep. If snoring is a problem, your partner could try sleeping on their side and seeing a doctor to find out what's causing the snoring. You could also go together to the doctor's appointment so you can both learn about any possible underlying conditions and treatments. Another solution could be sleeping separately in the same room. This can be helpful when one person awakens frequently to urinate or has involuntary twitching movements during sleep.
If space in the bed is the issue, consider getting a larger bed to provide each other with more personal space, especially if one partner moves around in their sleep. Each partner can also use their own blanket so that each can choose their preferred warmth level and material. If each partner prefers a different temperature when sleeping, consider a temperature-control mattress topper.
It is important to communicate your intentions and ensure that your partner understands that the goal is to create a better sleep environment, not to distance each other emotionally.
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Make both spaces cosy
Making both spaces cosy is an important step in a sleep divorce. It is essential to make the space your own, reflecting your personality and individual preferences. This can be achieved through redecorating and making small changes to the bedroom.
Firstly, consider the bedding. You can choose bedding that reflects your style and makes you feel comfortable. Whether it's a certain colour, pattern, or texture, the bedding can be a great starting point for the rest of the room's decor. For example, you could opt for all-white bedding, creating a cloud-like feel, or add a pop of colour with turquoise and white striped throw pillows.
Next, think about the furniture and decor. You can rearrange the existing furniture to give the room a new layout and perspective. If you're feeling creative, you can even revamp your furniture by painting it or changing its hardware, like knobs and handles. You can also add personal touches, such as a favourite art piece or a comfortable chair, to make the space feel like your own.
Additionally, consider incorporating items that provide comfort and security. For instance, a body pillow or a weighted blanket can offer physical comfort, especially if you miss the presence of a partner. You can also add plants, like a jasmine plant, to bring a sense of relaxation and freshness to the space.
Making the space cosy also involves creating a warm and inviting atmosphere. You can use lighting, such as lamps or fairy lights, to set a soothing mood. Candles with calming scents can also enhance the ambiance and promote relaxation.
Lastly, don't be afraid to make the space truly yours. If you have always wanted a particular colour on the walls or a specific theme, now is the time to embrace it. This is your opportunity to express yourself and create a haven that reflects your unique personality and tastes.
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Exercise together before bed
Exercise is great for the body and mind, and it can also help you get a good night's sleep. Moderate aerobic exercise increases the amount of slow-wave sleep you get, which refers to deep sleep where the brain and body rejuvenate. Exercise also helps stabilize your mood and decompress the mind, which is important for transitioning to sleep.
Exercising together before bed can help you and your partner sleep better, but it is important to be mindful of the timing and type of exercise. Generally, it is recommended to finish your workout at least one hour before bedtime, and if possible, aim for 90 minutes. This gives your body enough time to wind down. For example, aerobic exercise causes the body to release endorphins, creating a level of brain activity that may keep some people awake.
If you are exercising closer to bedtime, opt for light to moderate-intensity activities. Examples include stretching, which helps you fall asleep faster and stay asleep. You can also try active yoga, which elevates your heart rate and creates the biological processes in the brain and body that contribute to better sleep. Avoid vigorous or high-intensity exercises, such as interval training, as these can interfere with sleep quality if done too close to bedtime.
If you and your partner are going through a divorce, exercising together before bed can be a healthy way to spend time together and improve your sleep. Just remember to choose the right type and timing of exercise to ensure a restful night for both of you.
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Sleep apart, stay connected
Sleeping apart from your partner can be a difficult decision, and it's important to remember that it doesn't have to lead to emotional disconnection or a lack of intimacy. Here are some ways to navigate this arrangement while staying connected:
Understand the reasons for sleeping apart
Before deciding to sleep apart, it's crucial to understand the reasons behind it. Common issues include snoring, insomnia, different sleep schedules, or simply a preference for different sleeping environments. By identifying the specific reasons, you can address them directly and find solutions that may not require separate sleeping arrangements.
Make the space your own
If you do decide to sleep apart, personalising your sleeping space is essential. Choose the mattress, bedding, and decor that suit your preferences and make you feel comfortable. This can help you feel more connected to your space and improve your overall sleep quality.
Maintain open communication
Keep the lines of communication open with your partner. Discuss your individual sleep needs and preferences, and work together to find a solution that takes both of your needs into account. It's important that both parties feel heard and understood, and that the arrangement is regularly assessed to ensure it's working for both of you.
Schedule intimacy and connection
Sleeping apart doesn't have to mean a lack of intimacy. Schedule time for intimacy and connection, whether it's a phone or video call before bed, daytime naps together, or inviting each other over to your respective spaces. Maintaining physical touch and emotional connection can help strengthen your bond and ensure your relationship stays healthy.
Compromise and find alternatives
Consider compromises and alternatives before fully committing to sleeping apart. For example, if snoring is the issue, try using earplugs or a white noise machine, or consult a doctor together to address the underlying cause. You can also try getting a larger bed or separate blankets to accommodate different preferences for temperature and space.
Remember, sleeping apart can be a healthy decision if it leads to improved sleep quality and reduced disturbances for both individuals. It's all about finding what works best for you and your partner while maintaining a strong connection through open communication and shared experiences.
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Frequently asked questions
A sleep divorce is when a couple chooses to sleep separately to improve their sleep health. This can involve sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms.
A sleep divorce can improve sleep quality and reduce disturbances. Research shows that improving sleep quality can improve depression, anxiety, stress, rumination, and even psychosis. It can also improve your relationship as both partners are likely to be less irritable and more supportive when well-rested.
Before seeking a complete sleep divorce, consider compromises such as using earplugs or a white noise machine, or getting a larger bed. Make both sleeping spaces cozy, schedule time for intimacy, and regularly assess whether the arrangement is working for both partners.
