Sex And Sleep: A Delicate Balance

Waking your partner up with sex may sound like a fun way to start the day, but it can be a slippery slope. While some people may be open to the idea, it's important to remember that without proper communication and explicit consent, it can be considered sexual assault. Even if you're in a long-term relationship, it's crucial to respect your partner's boundaries and preferences. Initiating sexual activity with a sleeping partner can be a violation of trust and consent, leading to feelings of anger, confusion, and trauma. To navigate this sensitive topic, open and honest conversations are key. Checking in with your partner about their comfort level and establishing clear consent are essential steps to ensure that both parties feel safe and respected.

Waking a partner up with sex without their consent is sexual assault

Waking a sleeping partner up with sex without their consent is sexual assault. Sex requires consent, and a sleeping person cannot give consent. Even if a couple has had sex before falling asleep, or if they have had morning sex before, this does not imply ongoing consent for sex while one partner is asleep.

Consent is an "informed, specific, and ongoing negotiation of enthusiastic desire". It can be withdrawn at any time and must be given in the absence of pressure or coercion. Consent cannot be implied or assumed.

What to do if You've Been Sexually Assaulted

If you've been sexually assaulted, know that however you're feeling is valid. If you feel safe, it's recommended to talk to your partner about what happened. If you don't feel safe, try to get away from the person as quickly as possible. You can call emergency services if you're in direct danger, and seek advice or shelter from a local or national resource centre. You can also receive treatment for any physical injuries, and find mental health support.

What to do if Your Partner Says You Sexually Assaulted Them

If your partner says you sexually assaulted them, try to respond from a place of compassion. Ask them what they need from you to feel safe, heard, and cared for. Spend time understanding why you thought waking your partner up without consent was OK, why it isn't OK, and what consent means.

How to Have Consensual Wake-Up Sex

If you want to have consensual wake-up sex, have a conversation with your partner about it outside of the bedroom. Explain the context, and why it's something you're interested in. If your partner is open to it, carefully plan how it's going to happen so that nobody feels violated. Check in with them the night before to make sure they're OK with it, and respect their boundaries if they say no.

Consent can be revoked at any time

Consent is an important aspect of any sexual activity, and it can be revoked at any time. This means that even if a person has given consent for a specific sexual act in the past, they have the right to change their mind and withdraw their consent at any point. This is especially important to consider in the context of "wake-up sex" or initiating sexual activity with a partner who is asleep.

While some people may find the idea of being awakened by their partner for sex exciting, it is crucial to recognize that this can be a form of sexual assault if proper consent is not obtained beforehand. As Kai Werder, a certified sex educator, explains, "waking someone up with sex is sexual assault if you haven't pre-established that this is OK." This highlights the importance of explicit and enthusiastic consent, ensuring that both partners are comfortable with the idea and have discussed their boundaries and preferences.

Even if a partner has previously expressed interest in the concept of wake-up sex, it is essential to check in with them before initiating any sexual activity while they are asleep. Their level of comfort and willingness to engage in such activities may vary from day to day, and it is crucial to respect their boundaries. As Carol Queen, a staff sexologist, advises, "just because someone's on board with potentially trying a sexual activity at some undetermined point in the future doesn't mean they're OK with doing it tomorrow." Therefore, checking in the night before or having an ongoing conversation about consent and boundaries is vital.

Additionally, it is important to recognize that consent can be revoked at any time, even in the middle of a sexual encounter. If a person changes their mind or feels uncomfortable during wake-up sex, their partner must respect their wishes and stop the activity. As Queen states, "consent can be revoked if circumstances change and you state that you no longer want to do the sex thing in question." This emphasizes the importance of ongoing communication and ensuring that both partners are actively consenting throughout the entire sexual encounter.

In conclusion, consent is a fundamental aspect of any sexual activity, including wake-up sex. It is essential to obtain explicit consent beforehand and recognize that consent can be revoked at any time. By prioritizing consent and respecting each other's boundaries, partners can ensure that their sexual experiences are enjoyable and respectful for both individuals involved.

Communicate your desires and boundaries to your partner

Communicating your desires and boundaries to your partner is an essential part of any relationship, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy. If you're considering engaging in "wake-up sex," where you initiate sexual activity with your partner while they're sleeping, it's crucial to approach the topic with sensitivity and respect for your partner's consent and boundaries. Here are some tips to help you navigate this conversation:

Start with a Larger Conversation:

This topic fits into a broader discussion about sexual boundaries and preferences. Ask your partner about their comfort level with various sexual activities, including BDSM, role-playing, or other fantasies. This context will make it easier to bring up the idea of wake-up sex and understand their perspective.

Express Your Interest and Curiosity:

Share your thoughts and curiosity about wake-up sex. Explain why it appeals to you and how you envision it as a potential part of your shared sexual experiences. Be open and honest about your desires, creating a safe space for your partner to do the same.

Ask Open-Ended Questions:

Instead of asking yes or no questions, frame your inquiries in a way that invites your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. For example, "How do you feel about the idea of being woken up with sex? or "What are your thoughts on wake-up sex?" This approach allows your partner to express their desires and boundaries more freely.

Listen to Their Response:

Pay close attention to your partner's response and respect their boundaries. If they express discomfort or reluctance, respect their wishes and don't pressure them. Their consent is essential, and it's crucial to create an environment where they feel safe to communicate their limits.

Discuss Boundaries and Preferences:

If your partner is open to the idea, delve into a detailed conversation about boundaries and preferences. Talk about the specific acts you both feel comfortable with and any power dynamics that may be involved. Discuss how you'll communicate if one of you wakes up and doesn't want to continue. Establish verbal and non-verbal safety cues to ensure both partners' comfort and consent.

Check-In Regularly:

Wake-up sex isn't a one-time conversation. Check in with your partner regularly to ensure their continued comfort and interest. Before initiating wake-up sex, confirm their willingness, especially if it's been a while since your last discussion. Respect their response, whether it's a "yes" or a "no."

Be Flexible and Adapt to Feedback:

Remember that your partner's boundaries and preferences may change over time. If they agree to try wake-up sex but change their mind during the act, respect their decision and stop. Consent is ongoing and can be revoked at any time. Adapt to their feedback and work together to find alternatives or other ways to explore your fantasies.

By following these steps, you can effectively communicate your desires and boundaries regarding wake-up sex while prioritizing your partner's consent and comfort. Remember, open and honest communication is key to fostering a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Check in with your partner the night before to see if they're open to being woken up with sex

Waking your partner up with sex may not be within the realm of what they're comfortable with. If they're not, you have to respect that. If they are open to the idea, you have to carefully plan how it's going to happen so that nobody feels violated.

Good Vibrations staff sexologist Carol Queen, PhD, recommends making sleep sex part of a larger conversation about where your sexual boundaries are. While you're gauging your partner's comfort with BDSM or role-playing, for example, ask them how they'd feel about you initiating sexual activity with them while they're sleeping.

Just because someone is on board with potentially trying a sexual activity at some undetermined point in the future doesn't mean they're OK with doing it tomorrow. So, Queen suggests also checking in the night before to see if your partner would be open to being woken up with sex the next morning (or in the middle of the night) unless your partner explicitly states that it's OK to do it any time.

If your partner says no, respect that. They may not wish to be awakened by intimate contact because they want to jump in the shower before sex starts, or it hurts when their bladder is disturbed before peeing. They might feel out of control of safer sex issues until they're awake, or they may just find it frightening to be awakened in this way.

If the answer is yes, let them know that they can change their mind after you start. Consent can be revoked if circumstances change and your partner can state that they no longer want to do the sex thing in question.

If your partner says no to being woken up with sex, respect their decision

Waking your partner up with sex can be a fun way to start the day and spice up your sex life. However, it's important to remember that not everyone is comfortable with this idea. If your partner says no to being woken up with sex, it's crucial to respect their decision. Here are some reasons why your partner may not want to be woken up with sex and how you can respect their decision:

Firstly, it's important to understand that consent is always necessary, and a sleeping person cannot give consent. As Kai Werder, a certified sex educator, explains, "When someone is asleep, they can't actively consent to any sexual activity." Therefore, if your partner has not explicitly agreed to being woken up with sex ahead of time, it's essential to respect their decision and refrain from initiating sexual activity while they are sleeping.

There are various reasons why your partner may not want to be woken up with sex. For example, they may want to take a shower before engaging in sexual activity, or they may feel uncomfortable with the idea of being intimate while they are not fully awake and in control. Additionally, some people may have had traumatic experiences associated with sleep, making it triggering for them to be awakened during the night. It's also important to remember that just because someone is open to the idea doesn't mean they will always be comfortable with it. People's levels of comfort and desire change, so it's crucial to check in with your partner each time before initiating sex while they are sleeping.

If your partner has said no to being woken up with sex, it's important to respect their decision and not pressure them into changing their mind. Respecting your partner's boundaries is essential for a healthy relationship. Communicate openly and honestly with each other about your desires and comfort levels. Ask your partner about their boundaries and listen to their responses without judgment. Remember, it's normal for people to have different boundaries, and it's crucial to respect those differences. If your partner's boundaries make you unhappy, examine your expectations and work together to find a compromise that works for both of you.

If you're interested in trying wake-up sex, communicate your desires to your partner outside the bedroom. Explain why you're interested in it and ask if they would be open to trying it. If they say no, respect their decision and don't bring it up again unless they initiate the conversation. If they say yes, establish clear boundaries and expectations together. Discuss when wake-up sex is appropriate, what specific sex acts are acceptable, and how you will communicate during the experience to ensure everyone's comfort and consent. Remember, consent can be revoked at any time, so always pay attention to your partner's verbal and non-verbal cues.

Frequently asked questions