Gina Johnson
Co-sleeping, or bed-sharing, is a common practice among parents and their children, including 4-year-olds. While it is often a natural and primal response for young children to want to sleep close to their parents, it can also be a result of various factors such as anxiety, sensitivity, or sleep disturbances. Co-sleeping has its advantages, such as nurturing parent-child attachment, reducing children's anxiety, and helping children sleep. However, some critics argue that it may stunt a child's independence and disrupt parental sleep and intimacy. The decision to co-sleep is influenced by societal expectations, cultural norms, and personal choices, with some cultures practicing bed-sharing to build family closeness or out of economic necessity. Ultimately, the choice to co-sleep depends on the needs and preferences of both the parents and the child, and it is important to consider the potential positive and negative impacts on the family dynamic.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Children's sleep cycles are shorter than adults | 60 minutes for children under 6, 90-100 minutes for adults |
| Co-sleeping is a natural response | Young mammals sleep next to their parents/mother |
| Children may have nightmares | They crave the safety of their parents |
| Children may have separation anxiety | They fear their parents leaving while they sleep |
| Children may be catching up on missed physical closeness | They need extra cuddles and holding |
| Children may be more sensitive or anxious | They need support to build confidence and resilience to sleep alone |
| Co-sleeping can strengthen parent-child attachment | It can reduce children's anxiety and help them sleep |
| Co-sleeping can disrupt parents' sleep and intimacy | It can make children more dependent on their parents |
| Co-sleeping is common | Many parents are honest about their children sharing their bed |
| Transitioning to solo sleeping takes time and consistency | It can be done gradually or cold turkey |
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What You'll Learn
It's a primal response
It's completely normal for 4-year-olds to want to sleep with their parents, and it's often a primal response stemming from a variety of factors. Firstly, it's important to understand that children at this age are in a critical stage of cognitive and emotional development. They are beginning to develop a sense of independence and autonomy, but they still heavily rely on their parents for security and comfort. Sleeping in their own bed alone can make them feel vulnerable, and they may seek the familiarity and safety of their parents' presence.
This desire to sleep with parents can also be attributed to the child's need for connection and attachment. As humans, we are inherently social creatures, and this need for connection is especially pronounced in young children. Co-sleeping provides an opportunity for physical touch, which releases oxytocin, the 'love hormone', fostering a sense of calm and security. This primal need for connection and attachment through physical proximity can be comforting and reassuring for children.
Additionally, the bedtime routine itself can trigger this primal response. The act of falling asleep is associated with a sense of vulnerability, as it involves surrendering control and entering a state of unconsciousness. Young children may not have fully developed the cognitive ability to understand that they will wake up in the morning, and the idea of 'going to sleep' can be frightening. By sleeping with their parents, children feel protected and comforted, which helps alleviate these primal fears.
Furthermore, a child's request to sleep with their parents can also be influenced by their emotional state during the day. If a child experiences stress, anxiety, or excitement throughout the day, it can impact their desire for closeness and comfort at night. This is especially true if the child has experienced any significant life changes or stressors, such as starting school, moving houses, or welcoming a new sibling. In these cases, co-sleeping can provide a sense of stability and reassurance.
It's important for parents to understand this primal response and to handle the situation with sensitivity and empathy. While it's essential to encourage independence and self-soothing, it's also crucial to provide comfort and security during this transitional phase. Parents can gradually help their children adjust to sleeping alone by establishing consistent bedtime routines, offering transitional objects, and providing reassurance that they are safe and loved. By understanding the underlying primal needs, parents can navigate this phase and help their children develop a healthy sense of independence.
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It's a legitimate need for closeness
It is a legitimate need for four-year-olds to seek closeness with their parents, and it is a natural and primal response for children to want to sleep with their parents or very close to them. Young dependent mammals, for instance, sleep next to their parents or mother.
Children may seek closeness with their parents due to anxiety, sensitivity, or sleep disturbances, or nightmares. They may also be catching up on physical contact they missed as infants. It is important to fill your child's need for nighttime closeness, which will help them regain a sense of security and no longer need this. You can provide them with plenty of holding and cuddling during the day and at bedtime, which may reduce their need for closeness later at night.
Co-sleeping is a learned behaviour and can be unlearned at any time. It is a common practice, and research shows that while co-sleeping may result in a temporary dependence on a parent, in the longer term, it results in a child who is more resilient, gaining the skill of solo sleeping when they are more able to cope.
If you want to transition your child to their own room, you can do so gradually. You can start by putting a mattress in your child's room and sleeping there for a few nights, slowly moving the mattress away from the bed until you are no longer in the room. You can also try a "slow parental wean," where your child rests in your bed for a short period before switching to their own or starting out in their own bed with the understanding that you'll sit with them until they fall asleep.
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It's a temporary dependence
It is natural for young children to want to sleep with their parents, and it is a primal response. Young mammals, for instance, sleep next to their parents or mother. Co-sleeping is often the subject of vehement disagreements, with proponents arguing that it nurtures the parent-child attachment, reduces children's anxiety, and helps children sleep. Critics, on the other hand, argue that it stunts a child's independence, disrupts parents' sleep and intimacy, and develops inappropriate daytime or nighttime behaviours. However, research shows that while co-sleeping may result in a temporary dependence on a parent, in the longer term, it results in a child who is more resilient and gains the skill of solo sleeping when they are more able to cope.
Co-sleeping is a learned behaviour that can be unlearned at any time. Child psychologists and some GPs offer interventions to get children used to sleeping alone and offer parenting strategies to help this happen in a child-friendly and supportive way. One such strategy is the "slow parental wean," where the child could rest in the parent's bed for a short period before switching to their own, or the parent could sit with the child in their bed until they fall asleep. Another strategy is to put a mattress in the child's room and slowly move it away from the child's bed until the parent is no longer in the room.
It is important to note that co-sleeping does not have negative outcomes in and of itself. In fact, it is more common than people may realise and is under-reported. Many parents say they do not want to co-sleep before their child is born, but end up doing so over time. Similarly, many parents are not honest about their children coming into their bed to sleep.
If you are co-sleeping with your 4-year-old, it is essential to assess the benefits and any current downsides of the arrangement. There may come a time when parents, children, or both "outgrow" the arrangement, and this tends to happen organically. For example, parents may miss the privacy, space, and intimacy of being alone in bed, or children may feel squished and want more space. It is okay to wait for an organic shift and amend any goals you have set for the transition.
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It's a learned behaviour
Co-sleeping is a learned behaviour that can be unlearned at any time. Children are not biologically primed to sleep alone, and it is often a primal response to want to sleep with parents or very close to them. This is similar to other young mammals, who also sleep next to their parents or mother.
Children will not always need their parents to sleep with them, and when parents deem it appropriate, they can be taught and guided to sleep alone. However, it is important to note that there is no scientific timeframe for this, and societal expectations and parents' own choices largely drive these factors. Some children may need more time and assistance in gaining the confidence and resilience to sleep alone, especially sensitive or anxious children.
There are various methods to help children transition to sleeping alone. One suggestion is to put a mattress in the child's room and gradually move it further from the bed until the parent is no longer in the room. Another approach is to start by ensuring the child has a safe place to sleep without blankets, bumpers, or toys, and that the room is dark. It can be helpful for the child to sense their parent is near, so some parents choose to sleep with their child's bed sheet before putting it in the crib. A noise machine can also help children sleep soundly.
It is important to remember that children's sleep cycles are shorter than those of adults until they are about six years old, giving them more opportunities to wake up as they transition between cycles. Additionally, children may have different sleep patterns, making it challenging for siblings to share a room. It is essential to prioritize sleep for the well-being of both parents and children, and finding what works best for each family is crucial.
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It's a cultural norm
Co-sleeping is a cultural norm in many countries, and the acceptability of the practice varies across different societies. In some cultures, co-sleeping is viewed as a normal and natural part of family life. For example, in Sweden, co-sleeping is considered a cultural norm, with many Swedish families perceiving it as a way to enhance their child's autonomy and security rather than constrain it. Research by Welles‐Nystrom (2005) found that 72% of Swedish families in their sample co-slept with their children.
Similarly, in Japan, co-sleeping is common and is rooted in the country's cultural values of collectivism, interdependence, and solidarity. Japanese mothers have reported that they consider sleeping alone as "merciless in forcing independence on infants". A 1998 study by Dr. James J. McKenna found that 60% of parents in Japan practiced bed-sharing, only about 16% more than US parents, suggesting that cultural acceptance of co-sleeping is a more significant factor than the practice itself.
In other cultures, such as the US, infant solitary sleep is considered the norm, and it is often viewed as a form of "independence training". The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends room-sharing without bed-sharing for at least six months and ideally for a year. However, studies have shown that co-sleeping is more common in the US than is generally believed, with many mothers sleeping with their young children at least some of the time.
Cultural norms and values play a significant role in shaping attitudes and practices around co-sleeping. While some cultures emphasize independence and solitary sleep, others prioritize interdependence and closeness between parents and children. Ultimately, the decision to co-sleep or not is influenced by a combination of cultural, social, and personal factors, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach that suits every family or culture.
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Frequently asked questions
Yes, it is normal and natural for young children to want to sleep with their parents or very close to them. It is a primal response and can be observed in young mammals.
Proponents of co-sleeping argue that it nurtures the parent-child attachment, reduces children’s anxiety, and helps children sleep. Research also shows that co-sleeping results in a child who is more resilient, gaining the skill of solo sleeping when they are more able to cope.
Critics of co-sleeping say that it stunts a child’s independence and disrupts parents’ sleep and intimacy. It can also be difficult to transition a child out of co-sleeping.
There are several methods to transition a child out of co-sleeping. One method is to put a mattress in your child's room and slowly move it further from the bed until you are no longer sleeping in their room. Another method is to set up a bedtime routine and stick to it, eventually transitioning your child to their own bed.
A bedtime routine can help your child develop healthy sleep habits and proper sleep hygiene. Start with a warm bath and follow up with brushing and flossing your child's teeth. You can then read a bedtime story or sing a quiet song before putting your child into their own bed.
