Intimacy Issues: When Sex With Your Husband Stops

A loss of sexual interest in a marriage is a common issue that can be caused by a variety of factors. It can be difficult to address, as it is a sensitive topic that carries feelings of embarrassment, rejection, anger, and helplessness. However, it is important to initiate a conversation about it, as avoiding the issue can lead to feelings of distance and disconnection, and even infidelity.

There are several potential reasons for a husband's lack of sexual interest. It could be due to a shift in priorities, especially if there are children, as sex may take a back seat to work, household chores, and other responsibilities. Medical conditions, such as erectile dysfunction or prostate cancer, can also impact sexual function and libido. Stress, anxiety, and depression can contribute to a low sex drive, and certain medications can have side effects that decrease sexual desire. Additionally, as a relationship becomes more familiar and platonic, the erotic aspect may diminish.

To address the issue, it is crucial to have open and honest communication. It is important to approach the topic with curiosity and compassion, rather than blame or resentment. Seeking couples' therapy can be beneficial, as it provides a safe space to explore the underlying causes and work towards a solution together. It is also essential to address any other issues in the relationship, such as power struggles, resentments, or conflicts, as these can impact sexual intimacy.

Bringing new energy into the bedroom by experimenting with different activities, locations, or forms of foreplay can help rekindle desire. It is also important to manage expectations and view sex as a way to be physically intimate and playful, rather than focusing solely on a particular activity or outcome.

While it may be challenging to discuss a lack of sexual interest, it is crucial to address it directly and work together to find a solution that meets the needs of both partners.

Contraception and medication side effects

Contraception and medication can have side effects that may cause a loss of libido.

Contraception

Hormonal contraceptives can affect sexual desire. A study found that 23.9% of women reported a lack of interest in sex after initiating a new contraceptive method. The study found that women using depot medroxyprogesterone acetate injections, the contraceptive ring, and the implant were more likely to report a lack of interest in sex compared to copper IUD users. However, there was no association between a loss of libido and the hormonal IUD, oral contraceptive pill, and contraceptive patch compared to copper IUD users.

Another study found that 43.6% of participants experienced mood changes as a side effect of hormonal contraception. The study also found that 61.2% of participants with a history of psychiatric illness reported mood changes as a side effect, compared to 29.5% of participants with no history of psychiatric illness. The same study found that 16% of participants reported sexual side effects, including loss of libido and anorgasmia.

Medication

Medication can also cause a loss of libido. Antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, anti-seizure drugs, pain treatments, antipsychotic medications, chemotherapy, blood pressure medicine, medications for some digestive diseases, and hormone-suppressing cancer drugs can all cause a loss of libido.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) have been found to increase the chances of erectile dysfunction, and this side effect sometimes persists in those who discontinue the medication.

Stress and anxiety

Additionally, stress and anxiety can be triggered by various factors in the bedroom environment, such as clutter, the presence of work-related items, and the use of electronic devices. These factors can create a sense of guilt, distraction, or overstimulation, further contributing to feelings of stress and anxiety.

To mitigate the impact of stress and anxiety on one's sex life, it is crucial to address the underlying causes and improve overall mental health. This may involve seeking professional help, such as therapy or medication, to manage stress and anxiety effectively. Additionally, creating a calming and organised bedroom environment, free from work-related items and electronic distractions, can help reduce stress triggers and improve sleep quality.

It is important to recognise that stress and anxiety can affect both men and women and that these issues are common in marriages. Open communication with your partner and a collaborative approach to addressing these challenges are essential. By prioritising mental health and creating a supportive environment, couples can work together to rekindle intimacy and improve their sexual relationship.

Lack of sexual attraction

It is normal for sexual attraction to fluctuate within a marriage. However, if you are experiencing a persistent lack of sexual attraction towards your husband, it is important to reflect on the possible reasons and address the issue with honesty and care. Here are some factors that may contribute to a lack of sexual attraction and some suggestions on how to address them:

Communication Issues

Open and honest communication is crucial for a healthy sexual relationship. If you and your husband are not openly discussing your desires, feelings, and needs, it can lead to a disconnect in the relationship. Make sure to set aside time to talk about these intimate topics and work together to find solutions.

Disconnection from Children

Balancing parenting and maintaining a romantic relationship can be challenging. It's important to find time for each other and create opportunities for intimacy. This might include planning date nights, going on couple's retreats, or simply having meaningful conversations without distractions.

Imbalance in Work-Life

When one partner works long hours while the other stays at home or has a less demanding job, it can create a sense of disconnect and impact sexual attraction. Try to find ways to reconnect and spend quality time together, such as planning activities or vacations that allow for relaxation and intimacy.

Lack of Physical Activity and Health Issues

A lack of physical activity can lead to weight gain, decreased libido, and other health issues that can impact sexual attraction. Engaging in regular physical activity and maintaining a healthy lifestyle can help improve not only your physical health but also your sexual attraction and intimacy.

Stress, Depression, and Anxiety

Chronic stress, depression, and anxiety can affect your hormone levels, mood, and energy levels, all of which can contribute to a decreased sexual desire. It's important to address these mental health issues, whether through therapy, stress management techniques, or other self-care practices.

Substance Abuse

The use of drugs and alcohol can interfere with sexual performance and arousal. If substance abuse is impacting your sexual attraction and relationship, it's crucial to seek professional help and support to address these issues.

Infidelity or Loyalty Concerns

Infidelity or doubts about your partner's loyalty can kill romance and sexual attraction. If this is the case, it's important to address the underlying issues through open communication and, if needed, couples counselling. Rebuilding trust and reconnecting emotionally can help restore sexual attraction.

Painful Intercourse

Painful intercourse can be a sign of infertility and can negatively impact your sex life. It may lead to feelings of disappointment and resentment towards your partner. It is important to seek medical advice and explore possible treatments to address this issue.

Constant Fighting and Relationship Issues

Frequent arguments and unresolved conflicts can lead to a decline in sexual desire. It's important to address relationship issues and work together to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and rebuild intimacy. Consider couples counselling or marriage therapy to improve your relationship and restore sexual attraction.

Remember, it's normal to experience fluctuations in sexual attraction, and it's okay to take the time to explore the underlying reasons and work on rebuilding intimacy. Open communication, understanding, and a willingness to address these issues together are key to overcoming a lack of sexual attraction and creating a stronger, more fulfilling marriage.

Performance anxiety

• Body Acceptance: Work towards accepting and celebrating your body. Re-evaluate your relationship with food and movement, incorporate joyful movements like dancing or walking, and consider a boudoir photoshoot to boost your body image.
• Reconnect with Your Partner: Focus on foreplay and emotional intimacy. Have vulnerable conversations, schedule quality time together, and create a regular habit of dating each other.
• Challenge Negative Beliefs: Attending therapy with a sex-affirming mental health professional can help dismantle sexual shame and replace negative narratives with sex-positive thoughts. Reading sex-positive literature can also be helpful.
• Focus on Yourself: Learn to tune into your own pleasure during sex. Masturbation can help you relearn what feels good, and having sex where you are the centre of attention can shift the focus back to your needs.
• Mindfulness: Practise mindfulness techniques to bring yourself back into your body during sex. Focus on the sensations of your partner's touch, your breathing, and try pelvic floor exercises like kegels.
• Seek Professional Help: If performance anxiety is impacting your life, consider working with a sex therapist or a mental health professional. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), exposure therapy, and systematic desensitisation are common treatment approaches.

Lack of sexual novelty

It is completely normal for sexual attraction, chemistry, and desire to decrease over time in a relationship. However, it is important to address the issue to prevent feelings of distance and disconnection from growing.

Several factors can contribute to the loss of sexual novelty in a marriage, including:

• Hormonal changes: Hormonal shifts, such as those that occur during menopause or pregnancy, can impact libido and desire for physical intimacy.
• Health conditions: Certain health issues, such as erectile dysfunction or chronic health conditions, can affect sexual function and desire.
• Medication side effects: Some medications, like antidepressants, can have sexual side effects and impact libido.
• Stress and anxiety: High levels of stress and anxiety can increase cortisol levels, which can decrease sex hormones and reduce desire.
• Poor communication: Conflicts, arguments, and poor communication about sex can lower sexual desire and arousal in both partners.
• Mental health issues: Depression, anxiety, and past sexual trauma can impair sexual desire, arousal, and satisfaction.
• Life factors: Various life factors, such as having children, aging, or financial issues, can contribute to a decrease in sexual novelty.

If you are experiencing a lack of sexual novelty in your marriage, here are some steps you can take:

• Talk to your partner: Open and honest communication is crucial. Express your concerns and feelings without assigning blame or shame.
• Seek professional help: Consider consulting a sex therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual issues in marriage. They can help you understand the underlying causes and improve intimacy.
• Schedule sex: Planning sex may sound unromantic, but it can also be exciting and special. It shows a commitment to your physical relationship and gives you something to look forward to.
• Build intimacy: Focus on building emotional and physical intimacy through non-sexual activities, such as spending quality time together, trying new activities, or going on dates.
• Address underlying issues: If there are any underlying health or mental health issues impacting your sexual desire, seek help from a healthcare provider or therapist.
• Create novelty: Introduce novelty into your sexual routine by trying new things, such as different positions, sex toys, or fantasies.

Remember, it is normal for sexual desire to ebb and flow throughout a long-term relationship. The most important thing is to maintain open communication, address any concerns, and work together to find solutions that meet both partners' needs.

Frequently asked questions